The Picture(s)

For anyone who sees my Facebook regularly, this isn't new news...just some further discussion of a recent event.  It is about The Picture (and some other things).  So, first, here is The Picture:

In the background of this picture some people see something unusual and some people do not.  Of the people who commented on the picture, I would say a full 90% see what I see (perhaps those who did not weren't inclined to comment).  I did not see it when I took the picture.  I didn't even see it when I first edited the picture (changing it from color to black and white).  I saw it when I was deleting old pictures.  Unfortunately I had already deleted the original color version, so that makes it hard to really verify anything at all, but I don't need to really.  I see it and that is what matters.

If you are in the minority of people and don't see anything, try this:

Look inside the circled area.  What appears to most people is a young woman's face.  What appears to those of us who knew her is Michaela's face, with her hands under her chin, her blond hair shining.  This seemed so obvious to me that I found it hard to believe.  I have seen teeny tiny signs and believed in them whole heartedly, but this is stretch even for me.  So much so that I went out another night and tried to recreate the picture.  Nothing scientific about it...lots of factors would be different no matter what.    This is what I came up with (new picture on the left):

Nothing proved or disproved by this.  It does clear up though, what some people were saying looked like octopus legs in the first picture.  They are there in the second picture as well, simply part of the tree. 

I can't really say why I felt any need to prove or disprove anything in this case.  It seems so clearcut.  I guess that is why, perhaps.  I don't expect spiritual things to be clearcut.  I expect them to be interpretive.  Here are some things that I believe for absolute fact with no proof whatsoever:  My grandpa came to me before Michaela died to offer comfort for what was to come, Rainbows are important, I have had incredible luck with weather for over two years now (too much so to be coincidental), the balloons and the biplane at the beach were for us, Mich had a hand in finding our new home, she held me at an outdoor concert and listened to the Song "Sister Golden Hair" with me, and the angel in this picture (below):



Father's Day 2010



Funny how I find it easier to find faith in the abstract picture above than the clear one from more recently.  Most people can't even see the angel in this picture, although to me she is clear.  Perhaps that is why God (or the universe) doesn't just text message us with what he wants us to do.  Perhaps if it was that clearcut, we wouldn't believe it, in fact we would probably get locked up if we claimed to be getting text messages from God.  So keep this in mind:  Miracles come quietly...pay attention.



Small Steps

Today I did my second 5k (this year).  Last year I did the same 5k as my first 5k ever.  I'm happy to report that I was 5 minutes faster this year (although fast is a relative term!).  But I'm more happy to report that since I posted my blog about peer pressure about 2 months ago, I have made a significant change in my life and am maintaining it. 

Someone  asked me what I was doing to stay motivated, so I thought I would write a nice positive post on what is making me successful this time when I have failed so many times in the past.  First before I list out what specifically is working for me, I have to point out that I have only made one change.  I have been working out regularly.  I think this is important because at times in the past I have tried to make several changes at once (eat right, lose weight, work out, dress better, etc).  By doing it that way, everytime I failed in one area, it felt like a failure in the whole self-improvement effort and I gave up.  So my new plan is to attack all of those things in increments.  Changing one small thing at a time and working at it until it becomes a habit and I can make another change.  

For those who watch my Facebook page, you may have wondered what posting the pictures of my shoes last week was all about.  That was a second change, a very small one, being implemented now that I feel the exercise one is settling into permanence.  Since Michaela died, mornings have been difficult for me and I find myself just throwing on any old thing to go to work.  Mostly whatever went with flip flops.  So last week I started pulling my nicer shoes out of the closet and forcing myself to wear an outfit that looked good with them.  I'm thinking SMALL!  Small changes are easier to tackle than big ones!

So, to answer the question of why I am able to stay motivated this time, here are my thoughts:  Each of these sentences starts with the words "I set my self up for success by...."
1.  not taking on too much at once.
2.  choosing a workout schedule that is easy for me to commit to.
3.  choosing workouts that aren't dependent upon anyone else.
4.   choosing a workout that I enjoy and provides immediate feedback (yoga).
5.  choosing a workout that is on a set schedule and convenient to my house.
6.   avoiding the pitfalls I was already aware of (I won't get up in the morning to work out, if I get comfortable in the house in the evening I won't work out)
7.  setting realistic goals for myself and not worrying about how well (or fast) anyone else is going.
8.  having specific goals (i.e. the date of the 5k)
9.  accepting that every single day I have to make the choice to be successful at this; it isn't a one time thing.
10.  by celebrating every success, even through a simple facebook post that solidifies my accomplishment as fact (even if it is a picture of my shoes!).

Of course there are a lot of other factors as well:  A supportive husband, supportive friends, cooler weather.  The ones I listed are the ones I think contributed to my previous failures and my current success.  Notice that they are all things that are under my control and no one elses.  I am applying my new attitude about choosing to all of the parts of my life.  I can choose to be happy.  I can choose to workout.  I can choose to surround myself with positive people.  And today I chose not to stop running.  I didn't make the choice when my legs were tired....I made it before the race began.  I had to remind myself and continuously reinforce the choice the more tired I got, but I made it 5k without walking a single step.

I can't control my friends, my husband, the weather, or even my workload at work sometimes; but I can control my own life...one small thing at a time.

PS...I just started reading a book called The Power of Small by Linda Kaplan Thaler and Robin Koval.  I think I am going to like it.  I'll let you know. 

Being Michaela's Mother

I often get asked, in various ways, what it was like to lose a child.  How it felt then, how it feels now, what do I miss about her, what occasions are the hardest, what makes things easier; that sort of thing.  I am often uncomfortable answering those questions.  I often don't have answers or at least I don't have the words to adequately explain anything.  Maybe someday I will.  I read a lot of memoirs written by people who have lost children and they seem to find the words to describe their journey; maybe I will too.  

Mother's day gift in 2003 when I was away at the AFSNCO Academy

But what nobody asks me is the question that is SO much more important that how it felt to lose her.  Nobody ever asks how it felt to have her; what it was like being Michaela's mother.  My answer would start with, I wouldn't give up this grief for anything in the world if it meant I wouldn't have had those years with her.  I have decided that even though nobody asks, I have a need to share a little bit of how it felt to be Micheala's mother. 

Michaela left me many, many things to remember her by including boxes of journals, cards, letters, notes, pictures and videos.  I now feel strong enough to share some of that.  Very carefully and very slowly.  I will not divulge her secrets or attempt to explain how it felt to BE Michaela, only how it felt to be her mother.

Michaela was never shy about showing her love to anyone she loved.  I'm am not a terribly demonstrative person.  She was.  I am not a hugger.  She was.  When she was older she would tease me about it.  I didn't have an answer for her.  It isn't that I didn't hug her or tell her I loved her; but never enough to make her happy :).  Still, I know, for certain, she knows how much I love her.

She was also my greatest cheerleader.  She told me over and over what a great mother I was; how much better our relationship was than any of her friends had with their mothers; how much she liked spending time wtih me.  And in other things too--if I wanted to lose weight, get in shape, start a business--she was right there telling me I could do it.

Of course we didn't always agree.  Nobody always agrees with their mom.  Sometimes I disagreed with her choices.  Sometimes I thought she shortchanged herself; undermining herself through insecurity.  Only once am I aware of her hiding something big from me for any significant amount of time.  She was afraid I would be disappointed in her decision and wanted to make sure that decision worked out before she told me.  She was an adult.  That was her choice.  But it did hurt me.  She could never let me down; she worked so hard to please me all the time.

I'm sure it was much easier to see these things in retrospect than when I was actually making her do her own laundry while some of her friend's moms were still cleaning their rooms for them.  When I was making her get a job at 16 to pay for her own gas and entertainment; when I was making her fill out scholarship applications as a task tied to how much financial support she would get from me in college (whether or not she got the scholarships); when I wouldn't let her stay out all night on those all important (and most dangerous) nights like prom and graduation or go to Key West for Spring Break when she was underage; when I put a top dollar I would pay for a prom dress and she had to pay for the rest herself if she wanted a more expensive one; when I bought her a stick shift car for her first car at 16.

Only in her mind did she let anything come between us.  She was young and didn't undestand the nature of mother love.  She didn't understand that a mother must hold loosely at the right times (and tightly at the right times)  for a child to grow up and become their own person.  That a mother knows a child will pull and push alternatively as they stretch their own wings and then snuggle back under their mother's for protection.  I learned patience from my daughter.

That's really the bottom line.  Home isn't a place.  Home isn't even really a person.  Home is the connection of one soul with another.  A connection that lasts well beyond death.

Choice

Reading and Dogs = Happiness for the Women in my Family!

I have been doing some different reading lately.  My normal leisure reading is Chick Lit and murder/thrillers.  After Michaela died I started reading about Angels and other afterlife type topics, but after a bit, I stopped reading those too.  Most of them were very heavily religious.  I'm not anti-religion particularly, but I believe the way I believe and many of these books were pushing a specific set of beliefs.  That turned me off. 



Cool Beads! 

 Lately I have been reading inspirational things; affirming things.  Writings that don't necessarily use religion as a push for morality and goodness, but instead talk of finding your inner strength and beauty.  Of opening yourself to the beauty and power of the universe and all of its gifts.  Articles, books, and webpages that emphasize the power of choice in our happiness.



Sage, Michaela, and Sarah Choosing Happiness.

 I believe this emphatically (even though I haven't always been successful at it).  Everything we do is a choice; how we feel is a choice.  Many things, perhaps most things are not under our control.  Those aren't things we should worry about.  How we react to our personal situation is our choice though and that choice can make every difference in how we feel about ourselves, our lives, our happiness, and our future.  And it isn't just one choice, but it is a continuous choice!  To live happily we have to choose to live happily over and over again. 




Michaela wanted to wallpaper a wall with this picture.

 I would never have chosen for Michaela to die.  That was out of my control.  But how I choose to live my life every day now is my own choice and I choose to be happy.  It is much harder to choose happiness now than it used to be.  It was a choice I made most of my life unconsciously.  Until Michaela died, I almost always felt lucky and happy and like nothing truly bad could ever really happen to me.  That I could cope with anything and make the best of it.  After Michaela died, I was very, very angry at the universe.  How could this happen?  Why? Why? Why?   It has taken me a long time and a lot of work to get back to this point.  There have been times when I couldn't quite get my mind around the idea that I even had a choice.



Don't be Afraid to Live!

 I read a lot of things written by other bereaved parents and am quite astounded by the range of emotion they display.  I used to I wonder why that was.  Why are some parents able to be happy and live while other parents get stuck in the misery of their loss?  Why some parents believe living the best, happiest life they can is an honor to their child but other parents seem to feel like the only way they can project their love for their lost child is to continue to cry forever and they feel guilty if they smile or laugh.  I can't imagine that if they could grasp the spirituality of their 'lost' child they would feel that way. 

Reading has helped me.  Some of my friends have helped me.  My friend, Kim, said that after the first 30 seconds anger is a choice.  That any emotion can only run through you for 30 seconds (I might be getting the time wrong, but it is very short) and after that if we continue to stay mad it is because we are choosing to.  I have thought about that a lot.   I am also very certain raising my activity level for the last month has helped me. 



The View is Better from the Top!

 I am working on making better choices all the way around.  I posted a picture from the FB page "Pure Nourishment" (great site for positive thinking!) the other day that said The Choices We Make Define Us.  I thought about that all day long.  It is absolutely true.  If someone has to describe you, they are going to pick words based on the choices you have made in life--the things you DO, not the things you SAY.  



This is my new goal:  Each morning, I will get out of bed and make a choice to be happy.  I will turn on the lights, hug the dog, and sing through my shower, no matter how tired I feel.  I will help myself help myself by playing music at my desk and playing picture slide shows on my iPad that make me smile.  I will bounce in my chair and visit with my coworkers and choose productivity over idleness.  Then at the end of the day, when I am tired, I will choose to move one more time to do something positive--walk, run, yoga, swim, even clean the house--before I allow myself to rest and enjoy some quiet time.  I won't always succeed, but every success leads to more success and I choose to spiral upwards towards happiness rather than downwards in a continuous spiral of depression.



What Inspires You???

 In addition to my normal reading material, I am consciously seeking things to read that affirm my positive feelings and thoughts. Writings that inspire me to be happy and embrace life.  I also look for books, articles, blogs, websites and even movies that reaffirm my belief in the oneness of the universe and the spiritual presence of my daughter in my current life and the promise of her in my next form of being, whatever it is.





If you have read (or watched or done) anything particularly inspiring lately, please share with me and I will also share for those interested, some of the material I have found that leads me towards happiness.





Poem by Susan Sweat.  Smile by Michaela.



Catalyst

I have posted a lot of blogs about my differing levels of activity and how difficult it is to get motivated and start something.  I'm not special in this regard.  I think starting something is much more difficult than maintaining something.  This is true for everyone.  What is that theory we learned in school...an object in motion tends to stay in motion, an object at rest tends to stay at rest...something like that anyway.  I have been an object at rest since last winter.  To get an object at rest to move, there must be some kind of catalyst.  When the object is as large as I have gotten, it better be a pretty strong catalyst!



Wendy demonstrating Catalyst Operation

 The good news is that I seem to have started the ball rolling, so to speak.  I found my catalyst(s).  First, there was the peer pressure (remember the Disney Half Marathon?).  Then there was a need for me to be a catalyst for someone else.  (I have found that the need to be needed is strong in me.)  And finally there was a bit of serendipity...I ended up in a Hot Yoga class on accident.

Hot Yoga?  I had never even really heard of it.  It was mentioned once by someone who was critical of it, but I didn't pay attention because I had no intention of doing it.  What I wanted to do (and still want to do) was Qigong.  I went online searching for a convenient time and place to do a Qigong class, but couldn't find one, so I decided to try a 'regular' yoga class.  I've heard a lot about yoga as a great exercise and also a way to improve mood.  The first place I went to was closed down (that will teach me to call first).  So the next night my friend and I went to another place. 

What we found when we got there surprised us both.  It was a small room lined with mirrors and it was literally 100 degrees.  So we just went with it and tried to do the best we could without passing out from the heat.  The instructor was great; very welcoming and attentive.  But after the class, I thought I would probably never go again.  It was brutal.  Then a funny thing happened.  When I woke up the next morning I felt great.  Better than I have felt in ages.  My blood pressure was way down and my mood was way up.  So I did some research into this Hot Yoga thing. 

What I found out was that it is a series of 26 (or maybe its 29, who can count in that heat) yoga movements done in 90 minutes in 100 to 104 degree heat.  That is it.  It never changes.  It is the exact same every time.  The challenge isn't to learn new moves and choreography.  The challenge is to perfect the moves; to take it a little bit farther than the time before; to use all of the muscles in your body together.  I am hooked. 



Tracking My Progress

 Why do I like it so much?  I'm certainly not good at it.  Most nights I am the only overweight person in the class.  But for that 90 minutes, it is just me against myself.  The rest of the world is gone.  There is no work tension, no grief, no chores waiting to get done.  It is just me and my image in the mirror fighting the heat and working my body into impossible positions.  Nobody talks, there is no banter, the only sounds in the room are the instructor correcting people's positions and breathing.  Not that it is an unfriendly place; quite the opposite, it is a completely non-judgemental environment and before and after the workout people are very supportive and encouraging and courteous.

I mentioned in the Peer Pressure blog that I had signed up for two 5k runs; the first one is in two weeks.  I am alternating yoga with walking.  Hopefully walking will become running at some point, but that isn't really the goal.  I am more interested in increasing my walking speed.  I want to do this half marathon in February, but I want to be able to do it right.  Sure, it is still hard to get up and get going when I would rather sit on the couch and read.  But the more I move the more I want to move.  I have a long way to go; several lifestyle changes that need to happen; several projects that I want to take on. 

But the ball is rolling and it will roll faster with every success.

Freedom

I wonder when the United States went from being a country focused on "Freedom To" to being a country focused on "Freedom From"?

Almost all of the unalienable rights that our forefather's fought for were Freedom's To...freedom to speak, freedom to gather, freedom to carry arms, freedom to practice whatever religion we choose, freedom to pursue happiness.  All of the Freedom's From were focused on the government; to protect the people from an overbearing government.  So why are so many of our laws focused on preventing freedom?  Some are even focused on preventing the pursuit of happiness.  What gives our government the right?



 

Let's look at a couple of examples, just to get the controversy brewing, shall we? 

Prayer.  If I am a Christian (or any other religion), I should have the right to pray.  If I am an atheist, I should have the right to not pray.  Seems pretty straight forward, right?  So why are so many atheists focused on preventing the religious from practicing their religion?  If you don't like my Christmas tree, don't look at it.  If you don't want to spend that moment at the beginning of the school day in prayer, then twiddle your thumbs, but don't take that moment away from my child.  There is even an organization called 'freedom from religion'.  How annoying.  It isn't freedom from, it is freedom to, that is important. 

Now let's pick on the other side.  Gay marriage.  Lots of religions believe that being gay is a sin.  Ok.  That's fine.  If you are gay, I would recommend not joining those churches.  But why should our government get involved in who I fall in love with and marry?  What concern is it of theirs?  And if you don't like it, well, too bad.  Because if I want to marry someone of my same gender, what possible harm is that doing to you?  And if it isn't harming you, why do you care?  What gives you the right to judge? 

For that matter, why is government involved in Marriage at all?  It is just a tax, really.  You pay to have a marriage license and then the government basically says that you have a contract to be married and you must use lawyers and spend a lot of time, money, and anguish to break that contract legally, because it is a meaningless contract.  It doesn't state the terms.  Forever and ever no matter what are not real enforceable terms.  So give marriage back to the churches where it belongs and let the government handle contracts.  Make it civil unions for everyone.  Gay/Straight, whatever...you pay a tax if you want to bond yourself to another person legally and owe them half of your life's worth should you decide it isn't working out (put that way, why would anyone want one?).  Let the churches marry whoever they want to, and let them adjudicate the end of a marriage....that is freedom.  PS...church marriage or civil union, companies should provide the same benefits and rights. 

Just imagine how much money our government would save if we weren't spending so much money enforcing all of those silly laws that restrict our freedoms....marijuana?  Legalize and tax it.  No more spending money chasing down petty criminals just wanting a simple high (didn't we learn anything from Prohibition?).  Prostitution?  Legalize and Tax it.  No more cops wasting their time chasing down sad men who just need a little loving and women just trying to make a living.  Carrying a gun?  No crime is committed if I don't use it, right?  That's how it should be.  Underage drinking?  Like we are ever really going to stop that.  Let the parents handle it.  Quit making criminals out of kids being kids.

How about Pants Sagging?  Cities are passing laws against Pants Sagging.  Seriously?  Do we really need to be spending taxpayer's money chasing down boys who aren't smart enough to pull up their pants?  I thought this was the land of the free!!!  Just imagine how many fewer lawyers we would need if every 'victimless' crime was taken off the books.  If there isn't a victim, why is it a crime?  It shouldn't be.  Not if we are truly to live free.

The Land of the Free????

Peer Pressure



Disney Princesses

 It is interesting that the term Peer Pressure has such a negative connotation.  I mean, nothing about the words themselves is negative, right?  I'm thinking about this because I am currently being pressured by my peers.  I am 46 years old.  Old enough to 'Just Say No' in the words of Nancy Reagan.  But should I?  Just Say No, I mean.  What if my peers are right?  What if it really is ok?  What if it really won't hurt me and might even be fun?  Hmmm. 

What is it they want me to do?  The Disney Princess Half Marathon.  Seriously.  My friends are not athletes (well most of them).  My friends are in various stages of fitness, weight and age.  My friends (mostly) do not work out.  My friends drink a lot of beer.  And for some reason they think this will be fun.  It is six months from now.  They all plan to walk it at a 15 minute mile pace.  Wearing tutus and bunny ears (or something equally ridiculous). 

First 5k

Last fall I ran/walked my first, second and third 5k's.  They were not fun.  It hurt.  I am not a runner.  I am not even a good fast walker.  I tend to get tendinitis in my calves.  My average mile is 20 minutes walking.  My best 5k time was 36 minutes.  I'm busy.  It rains every afternoon.  I missed the early registration rate.  It's expensive.  It starts too early in the morning.  It is in Orlando.  There won't be any place to park.  It would be embarrassing to be 'swept'.  All my friends walk faster than me.  I can come up with thousands of excuses not to do this. 



Evil Friends applying pressure

 But how many times have I blogged about motivation and how hard it is to get off the couch?  When did I start thinking in terms of "I can't vs. I can".  I know I used to think there was nothing I couldn't do (except ski).  Now my mind is filled so often with images of failure instead of images of success.  I wonder why.  Is this a common side effect of grief?  Depression?  I don't know.  But I do know I have been asking for help getting motivated and getting my physical self back to a healthy weight and state along with my emotional self.  What better than peer pressure to motivate me?  Is it wrong to ask for help and then ignore it when it is offered?

If all my friends were triathletes (some of them are) or size 6 super models, then I could excuse myself from this.  But they are not.  They are normal middle aged women wanting to improve themselves.  I am a normal middle aged woman wanting to improve myself.  Coincidence?  I think not.



If you try, haven't you already
Succeeded?

 So, I have not signed up for the half marathon yet.  But I did sign up for 2 5k's next month.  That means procrastination is not an option.  They are not in six months, they are in one month.  I can not run them, at least not yet.  I have an ankle that just won't cooperate with me for running.  But I can walk and work on my speed.   We'll see how these 5k's go and then I will decide.  I know if I don't at least try this, the only person I will be failing is myself. 

Karma

Last week a man died a violent death.  The man lived a violent life.  My only connection with this man is that he had previously owned my dog.  In fact she was confiscated from him after he beat her nearly to death.  He was considered mentally challenged, but he also had a history of drug use and domestic violence.  It is no surprise that he died a violent death.  That is the environment he lived in.



Resi

 The article in the paper that reported his death slanted the story in such a way that it appeared as though a nice young, mildly retarded man was killed in a violent, unprovoked manner.  I posted a link to the story and simply stated that the man had be the same person who had beaten my dog.  It was posted merely as an interesting connection to my friends who know about my dog's history and her current problems.

One of my friends responded with the word 'karma' and what a flurry storm that set off.  Some agreed, some violently disagreed.  Some felt that the word 'karma' means a literal one to one correlation of a bad act to a bad result (i.e. he beat the dog so he deserved to die).  I think others felt the 'what comes around goes around' definition was being referred to.  Perhaps it was.  In some cases certainly some of my more passionate animal loving friends feel that beating an animal should result in death.  In any case, people responded emphatically and not altogether politely.



Budda

 It got me thinking about karma as a concept and why I don't believe in it, but it also got me to pick up a book (or the Internet) and do a little bit of reading about the concept.  Unfortunately, or fortunately as the case may be, there is a lot of information about the concept and it doesn't all agree.  It was first described in ancient India and has been adapted by various philosophies (to include Christianity) over thousands of years.  My purpose isn't to teach you philosophy or religion, so I'm not going to go into all of the permutations of the idea.

In general, karma is the concept of  'action' understood as that which causes the entire cycle of cause and effect originating in ancient India and practiced/discussed in Indian religions and philosophies. 



Heaven

 In general, Karma is not punishment or retribution but simply an extended expression or consequence of natural acts. Karma means 'action' and more broadly names the universal principle of cause and effect, action and reaction, that governs all life. The effects experienced are also able to be changed by future actions so are not necessarily fated. A particular action now is not binding to some particular, pre-determined future  reaction; it is not a simple, one-to-one correlation of reward or punishment.

In some religions/philosophies, the concept can span several lifetimes of reincarnation, in some it is in this life alone, in Christianity it is equated to the reward or punishment one is to receive in Heaven (or Hell). 



Too good at being good?

 So when I say I don't believe in Karma, it isn't exactly true.  I don't believe Karma causes good things to happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people, in direct correlation, at least not in one lifetime on earth.  Because in my experience the people who are the very best at being bad (think Drug Lords) live a highly rewarded, lucrative life on earth and the people who are the very best at being good (think Mother Theresa) are very unlikely to be rewarded for it on earth (and if they were, wouldn't they give the reward away?). 

The people who are bad, but not good at it, they are the ones who get caught...they are the ones people say 'karma' about.  Like this guy; he wasn't good at being bad.  He got caught both by law enforcement and by his own kind.  He was a pawn of someone else in the drug world, that is what got him killed.  And the rest of us, those of us who are good, but fallible...well, we are treated to a life of mixed pain and blessings. 

Karma as originally intended would have good effects as well as bad effects, but we (western society) don't see someone become successful and then say it was Karma.  We attribute it to hard work, talent, or luck.  Karma shouldn't be a 'bitch'.  Karma is simply cause and effect applied to lives (or after-lives).


Karma?



Life after Life

A few months after Michaela died, I got a letter, through the Translife agency, from a woman who had recieved one of Michaela's organs.  She simply wrote to say that she was doing well and that she was grateful.  She also asked for a picture of Michaela.

What a wonderful gift she gave me.  Confirmation that at least one person is still alive today who may not have been.  A mother who would have left behind a family. 

I sent her a picture and gave permission to the agency to share my personal address so that communication wouldn't have to go through the agency any longer.  She thanked me and told me that she had the picture printed on a pin so she could wear it everywhere she went and tell her story.  Another beautiful gift.

She also sent me a beautiful tapestry that she made while she was first dying and then recovering.  It is an amazing piece, so detailed and beautiful.  It told me very much about the woman herself and the care she takes with life and beauty. 

The other day she asked me if there were others like her who contacted me.  She used the term 'life after life'.   I love that. 

No, there haven't been any others.  I can certainly understand that.  How very difficult to come up with the words to say to someone when you are alive because someone they love is not.  But I think if you look at it the way she looks at it...as life after life....rather than life after death....it gives it a whole different perspective.  It is a positive thing.  Michaela isn't defined by her death; she is defined by the life she lived.

I would ask organ recipients to think about this.  Nothing is harmed by letting the family who gave you this gift know that you are doing well.  That good came from tragedy.  You don't have to give any personal information at all...just a note that says, 'Hey, I'm doing fine. Thank you.' is a gift bigger than you can imagine.  The gift of knowing, for sure, there is Life after Life.

Words are Everything

It is hard to know what to say when someone dies.  It is particularly hard to know what to say to someone whose child died.  In the beginning, certain things are appropriate to say...the I'm sorry's, and so forth.  I blogged a long time ago about things that newly bereaved parents want to hear and don't want to hear.  But now two years have passed and of course, things have changed.  I am no longer newly bereaved.  The time for I'm sorry's and pity has passed.  I'm sure now it is even harder for people who don't see me every day to know what to say to me; so most say nothing at all. 

I guess nothing at all is ok.  There are worse things.  But if everyone said nothing at all, my world would be much darker.  I remember Michaela and I remember that she died.  You aren't going to remind me or revive my grief by speaking her name.  Just the opposite, by speaking of her, you lift my heart by telling me that she is not forgotten. 

Now, around the anniversary of her death, I have been blessed with many messages and new posts on her FB walls.  I read each and every one of them.  Sometimes over and over.  Although, I wish sadness on no one, I am comforted by knowing I am not alone in my grief, that she was a person worth remembering and missing, and that so many people do remember her kindly and with love.

Michaela was 21 years old when she died.  She had spent 3 years away at college and a summer in Italy.  She had a whole life of her own that I was not a daily part of.  So, while I love all of the messages and comments and posts, my favorites are still the ones that start like this:  You don't know me, but....

I love these messages because they tell me something about Michaela that I didn't already know.  Sometimes it is a memory, sometimes it is a story of how she changed a life, sometimes it is simply reaching out to say, hey I miss her too.  No matter what the message is, it is gratefully received. 

If you are ever just thinking of someone who died, don't hesitate to reach out with a message to their loved ones.  I promise you they will appreciate every word.