Dear Michaela

Dear Michaela,

Sorry it's been so long since I've written.  I hope all is well where you are.  Things are going just fine here.  This winter has been much warmer than the last two.  I even jumped in the pool the other day.  Yeah, I know, we got all the cool things after you left.  Being practical didn't seem quite so important any more. 

Your brother was here for three weeks over Christmas!  He is looking so good.  Doing well in school and his art is amazing.  He even took after you and stuck with being an RA, although he certainly doesn't love the job the way you did.  It pays the bills though.  He is going through the stress of grad school applications that you went through three Christmas' ago, but he knows better than to mention taking a year off; he saw where that got you.  He is still having problems sleeping.  He needs comfort, so if you have the time, drop him a line sometime. 

Of course you know about the problems the other kids are having.  I am much more patient than I used to be.  I realize each time, that it could be worse.  And I try to remember your philosophy of forgive, forgive, forgive.  But I know you would be frustrated too.  It is hard to watch someone you love make bad decisions.  I wonder if you got to hold little Miley before she came down to us?  Did you fill her in on all the important stuff?

So this is what I do sometimes.  I just pretend that you are away in some exotic location where communication is very difficult.  It isn't so hard for me to do.  Remember I grew up in a time before computers and cell phones.  When you were a baby in Germany we had to rely on the mail to send real film pictures back to our families and could only afford a phone call once a month or so.  I figure you are sort of in the same situation.  You have to save up to send messages and then just hope they don't get lost in the mail.  I try to remain open and alert so I don't miss them. 

It is getting a little harder though.  I'm not being as kind to myself as I was.  I took up kayaking and loved the peacefulness and mild exercise of going on warm mornings.  I even bought a kayak, but haven't been out in a long time.  We took up biking too.  Finding places to ride that we could enjoy scenery and exercise.  I seemed to be able to see the beauty of the world in brighter colors for a long time, but I feel like that is slipping away as I become used to it.  It is like living with a beautiful view out your window that you take for granted.  The hustle and bustle of life get in the way.  I need to remember to slow down and enjoy.  I know that is what you want me to do.  The weather is still blessing us.  Since you left, we haven't had a single important event marred by bad weather.  I used to remember to thank you for each beautiful day.  I know you are putting in a good word for us.  I think God knows that we need all the help we can get. 

I have been trying a lot of new things.  It seems easier to do something new sometimes than to do anything that is filled with memories of you.  There are some things I just won't do any more.  There won't be any boating and tubing on the Banana river for a very long time.  Maybe when the grandkids are old enough, I'll be ready.  I can't go to Del's Freeze.  I tried once; tears and ice cream don't mix.  I guess it is mostly the things I only did with you that are the things I can't bring myself to do without you.

When you first left, I worried a lot about people forgetting about you.  I don't worry about that any more.  You made such an impact on people's lives.  Ironically, my greatest fear now is that I am forgetting.  Our nomadic military lifestyle means that now there are so few around me who really knew you.  And who created shared memories with us from all of the stages of your life.  Only your brother really and it hurts him to talk about you.  Boys deal with things differently than we do.  So there isn't a lot of  'remember when' stories.  Anyway, they make most people uncomfortable.  Erin has been a blessing.  She can always make me laugh with her stories and she isn't the least bit uncomfortable about sharing them.  Amelia was by over Christmas too.  She is loving the Air Force and we shared some laughs.  Funny too, I get a lot of comfort from your Aunt Erin, she is an amazing woman.

Anyway, it seems like the most fun we had was when it was just the two of us, so there wouldn't be anyone to talk to about that anyway.  Those are the most precious memories and I'm afraid they will slip away from me.  Sometimes I remember us laughing over something and I just can't put my finger on what it was.  When we were alone we could let everything go and be just as corny as we wanted without worrying about it.  In the car, singing and making stupid pun jokes, at home making fun of bad TV, sitting in the living room til the middle of the night.  Laughing until we cried.  And sometimes crying until we laughed.  Sometimes I think there is no one could possibly exist who gets me the way you do.

I am so thankful for all of the pictures and videos we made.  One thing about having a camera in your face all the time is that it wasn't just the big moments that got captured.  It was the little things too.  I could watch a slide show for hours and just smile and remember and cry and remember.  If there is any way you could send a picture of yourself now, that would be cool.  I'd like to see where you are.  I'm sorry about giving up on the book and business.  I know you want me to continue, Kim told me you came to her to talk about it.  Don't worry.  I will do something with my photography and hopefully writing.  I just couldn't continue that particular project without you, I tried.   I'm waiting for the right inspiration and I'll know when it is right.  In the meantime, I want to enjoy that part of my life without any added stress of doing something with it.

Well, girly girl, I guess I have rambled on long enough.  I wanted you to know I am thinking about you.  Give Bear a big squeeze for me and have him sit pretty.  I miss him, but I'm glad he is with you.  I'm doing my best to be happy and have fun (just like you insisted in the note in the book).  I know it will seem like a long time until I see you again, but it is really just the blink of an eye.  Be in touch when you can!

Love
Mumzy Pumzy

PS.  I am enclosing a picture of your brother with Miley.  I thought you would enjoy it.