Giving Thanks

Well, here we go with another holiday season.  I have always loved the holidays.  I love the whole bit from Thanksgiving to Christmas... food, music, decorations, shopping, hustle and bustle, everything.  I hate that the Christmas music and holiday sales start earlier and earlier every year.  Didn't it used to start the day after Thanksgiving?  The Black Friday sales?  Now even those are before Thanksgiving.  Now the stores start changing before even Halloween is over.  I think this is a shame.  Once something is spread too thin it is no longer special.  Just sayin'. 


Love

 But, this blog is about Thanksgiving.  In my mind the official start of the 'holidays'.  Even more so in my family because between Thanksgiving and Christmas is a whole bunch of birthdays including mine!  Still, I am approaching the holidays with some trepidation.  I made it through last year's holidays with less pain than I anticipated.  I'm worried now that I am not preparing myself for the hurt that will be inevitable during this year's holidays and without my armor fully in place, I may be caught by surprise grief...sometimes the hardest to handle. 


Family Traditions

 Last year Thanksgiving was the hardest for me.  We had a wonderful family dinner at my brother's house.  Which was exactly the same thing we did the year before...back when we were whole and complete.  It was just too hard for me.  And just in case the day wasn't difficult enough already, my husband's father passed away that afternoon.  I'm not sure Thanksgiving will ever be the same for me again.  Thanksgiving was, unequivocally, Michaela's favorite holiday, because it was about all of the things she loved the most:  Food and Family.  Without the overdone pressure of Christmas.  Just togetherness.  It was incredibly important to her.



Us

  This year Thanksgiving will be different for us.  Bill and I are spending the holiday alone together.  No family, no feast.  Without Michaela and with the loss of his mother and father this year, a family feast would just be too much.  All of the other big milestones since Michaela died, we have surrounded ourselves with friends and family and it has been a great blessing, but it is time for us to comfort only each other.  So we will have a quiet day together and maybe a nice meal out.  And we will be giving thanks.  That is what the day is about anyway, right?

To get myself in the right mindset I thought I would start a list of things to remember to give thanks for:


My husband, my rock, my love, my life.  The reason I can still function at all. 





Mom

  My family...the one I was born to.  Those people that I don't see nearly enough of, but love with all my heart.


Grief

  My children...all of them, regardless of how they came into my life.  We may be a jumbled up mess, but we make do.







My grandchildren...love doesn't care about bloodlines.  Nobody can be sad around those beautiful children.



My trashy friends :).

 My HHH friends and the organization that brought us altogether.  I have never met such a group of irreverent, light-hearted, non-judgemental, fun people in my life, but what makes them special is the way they will be there for you 100% when you need them most.

My Bear

My dog.  Going on 12 years old.  Healthy and Happy, he has traveled the world with me.  Stay young Bear!





My Sister

  
Karen, my chosen sister.  I wasn't lucky enough to have a sister from birth, so God gave me one when I needed one.  10 years of unfaltering sisterhood, through so much together, ups and downs, happys and sads, agree or disagree...still sisters.

Bubble baths and books.  Who needs therapy?

Photos and videos and the fact that Michaela loved being in either of them.  So many memories to cherish.

Financial security.  Might be crass to be thankful for money, but security allows us to take care of what needs taken care of, see distant family more often than otherwise would be possible, live without undo need, and even indulge in little things that bring us comfort and joy.  It isn't something we have always had, so while we aren't rich, we have plenty and that is enough to be thankful for.

My job.  Like everyone else, I complain.  But really I have the dream job...good pay, flexible hours, a ridiculous amount of vacation, co-workers that I genuinely like and a company that tries to maintain a family atmosphere even in troubling financial times.

My faith.  I am not a churchy person.  But my faith is strong and my hope is eternal.

Flowers, the moon, the stars, the beach, smooth water and blue skies, the leaves changing in the fall, music, giraffes, surprises, cheese, electricity, thunderstorms and power outages, iphones and caller id, flip-flops, cruise control, the internet, horses, long weekends, and wine.

Michaela's friends and the way they let me be a small part of their lives, so that I can maintain a feel for her own life.

Pellie.  My children's father's wife.  Because of the positive influence she had on him and the wonderful step-mother she is.


And mostly, I am thankful for all of the people in my life who do every little thing to make my life easier.  All the love and the caring and the giving and the thoughtfulness and the insight that my friends and my family and even, often, strangers show to each other and to me. 

Kindness.  I'm thankful for Kindness.

**I did not take all of the photos in this post.

Circles



The bottom of the circle is hidden in the blues.

 It occurred to me the other day that my grief travels in circles.  I have seen the 'journey' of grief described as steps, hills, rollercoasters....but for me, it is circles.  The circle goes around through all of the well known stages over and over again.  So I am up, I coping, I am feeling pretty good, I am busy, dare I even say it?  I am happy...sometimes.  But inevitably the circle swings around and I am sad or angry or down or drowning in self-pity again.  And then I start over on the climb up the other side of the circle (my circle seems to resemble a Ferris Wheel rather than a Merry-Go-Round) and I feel hope, strength, endurance, and motivation again on my way to the top.


View from the bottom.

 I haven't blogged in quite awhile.  When that happens, you can just about bet that I am at the bottom of the ride.  I have made a decision NOT to blog when I am down.  For awhile I journalled and it seemed I ONLY wrote when I was down.  The result was something that was a poor, poor, pitiful me solilique,  both depressing to write and depressing to read.  I'm done with all that.  No need to reinforce the negative.  Besides that I need to conserve my energy during those times so I have the strength not to punch somebody in the head when they tromple over my last nerve. 



Time.

 So, I've spent the last few days pondering circles and decided that it makes perfect sense to grieve this way.  We all live our lives in circles.  Everything we do is a circle.  Big circles and little circles.  Important circles and irrelvant circles.  Exciting circles and mundane circles.  And of course, the most famous circle of all...the circle of life (burst into a Disney theme here). 

No, I'm not crazy....here's some circles for you.  Monday-Weekend-Monday.  Wake up-Work-Home-Sleep (time to make the donuts?).  Happy New Year - Merry Christmas!  These circles are built right into our infrastructure from the time we are young children.  We build in artificial beginnings and ends so that we have milestones to kick off from, places to start over...a friend said to me the other day:  Mondays give us a place to start....but really it is just endless circles.



Hope.

 Circles reflect life.  Have you been to the mall lately?  Everything on the shelf looks like it came right out of my 1980 something closet.  My friends complain about their motivation for exercise coming and going.  The Earth moves around the Sun, the Moon moves around the Earth, the tide comes in-the tide goes out, Spring-Summer-Fall-Winter (I'm sure there is some relevant parallel in the word Fall and it's position on the circle), throw a rock in the water and what do you get?  Circles.





On the Upside.

  So am I doomed?  Will I forever live in this series of circles?  Probably.  But guess what?  There is good news here!  Just like the ripples on the water after you throw that stone, the circles keep getting bigger!  Yep.  In the beginning the circles were measured in days, hours, and even minutes.  I could pass through every stage from pain to peace and back during lunch!  But now I'm measuring my circle in terms of weeks most of the time.  Maybe someday it will be months, all I know is that circle is getting bigger and bigger.  And maybe the pace of the circle will change too....maybe that Ferris Wheel operator will stop me in the top car once in awhile...who knows, but I have hope that my times at the bottom of that ride will be shorter and shorter.

New York New York

As my regular readers know, I was on vacation last week in New York City.  In all my travels, I have never visited New York City before (passing through the airport doesn't count, even though we spent the night at a hotel).  So, just to lighten things up, this is just a simple accounting of my New York City experience.

I don't think any two people can visit New York City and have the same or even similar experience, it is all a matter of perspective.  Even if you followed the same exact itinerary, the variables would make it a unique, personal experience.  I imagine that people living in NYC have very different perceptions of their own city as well.  It is like a whole world stuck into a very small area.  So these are just my thoughts and experiences based on my own past combined with my personal biases. 

For those who have been following my blog for my thoughts on grieving, I'll put it right up front.  Michaela wasn't with me in NYC.  It wasn't her kind of place.  She had been there before, so I wondered if anything would strike me about her there, but it didn't.  David, my son, was in my thoughts in NYC.  It felt like him there.  I look forward to going there with him someday.

So here it is, by subject:

 

Architecture:  Amazing and varied.  Very cool to see all of the old detailed concrete architecture next to the ultra modern buildings.  Sometimes there were so many beautiful buildings squashed together it felt like a waste of great architectural talent.

Bedbugs:  This is news that isn't news.  There have been reports of a resurgence in bedbugs in NYC, but so what.  The headlines are the normal modern media headline grabbing fear-mongering.  Do the research...it is minor and ridiculous.  Like not going to the beach because you might get see a jellyfish.  Let it go.  Live life.

Broadway (in general):  See a show.  Any show.  I wish we had seen more than the two we saw.

Broadway Comedy Club:  Skip it.  This is in the Broadway area north of Times Square.  It is a bigger comedy club and like every other comedy club claims to be the home of Seinfeld.  Two drink minimum is standard for NYC comedy shows, but at $10 a drink, no bargain.

Brooklyn Bridge:  Nice walk if you have the time.  You can see the Statue of Libery (distant), Manhattan skyline, Staten Island Ferry and financial district from here.  Subway drops you off right at the end if you take the right one. 

Canal Street:  Depends on what you want I guess.  I walked one block and it was exactly like being in Seoul Korea.  I headed north into SoHo and out of there as fast as I could.

Century 21 department store:  If you are into shopping and don't mind crowds, go here.  It is like a huge TJ Maxx.  Great bargains.  Very crowded.  Short walk from the Brooklyn Bridge (.5 mile).

Chelsea:  A trendy part of central Manhattan that is popular with the gay community.  Very nice area with many affordable restaurants.

Comedy Cellar:  Tiny little comedy club in Greenwich Village.  Great Show.  No huge headliners when we went, but they have a standard of a certain amount of TV appearances, etc before you can perform there.   No rookies.  The MC was great at conveying his message and also entertaining at the same time.  All of the comedians were funny and fun.  Two drink minimum was met with a $25 bottle of wine (counted as 4 drinks).  Three drink maximum. 



Central Park:  Loved it.  We only walked around the southern end from the castle south.  Fall colors were brilliant.  Afternoon reflections were amazing.  Rode the Carousel.  Tavern on the Green was closed in preparation for the NYC marathon.  Pedacabs are reputed to be awesome and from what we saw that would be cool, they know things and tell you about the park and will stop and take pictures for you and of you.  Not so much the horse carriages, but on a cold night that might be ok.  The horses looked healthy and well cared for.

Food:  Yep.  There is food there.  All kinds at all prices in all places.  We weren't on a foodie trip, so I don't have much to say about this.

Hampton Inn Chelsea:  Nice hotel in a great location at a good price for NYC.  Full hot breakfast included for ~$250 a night.  Free Wifi.  Sits at the edge of the Flatiron district and Chelsea.  A subway line at each corner that will get you anywhere you want to go with minimal changes.  Very clean, good service.  Clean part of town...

Falafel Stand:  You should at least try the street food.  For $4 I got a spicy chicken pita that filled me up and tasted good too. 

Fashion:  Loved seeing the different clothes.  Here in FL there is no fashion, it is all casual all the time.  Very good to catch up a little on what is in style just by people watching.  PS: Young Men...nobody in NYC was sagging their pants.  Fad over.

Greenwich Village:  Nice area.  Went to a comedy show and a wine/tapas bar there.  Loved the reality of it and small town feel. 

Iphone:  No problems with connectivity on either the Iphone or my husband's Droid (verizon).  My battery seemed to run out faster than at home even though I turned off Wifi.

King Tut:  We had a rainy day, so we went to the King Tut exhibit at the Discovery Center in Times Square.  It was a good exhibition and supposedly the last time the artifacts will be allowed to leave Egypt.  I don't think it would have been worth full price, but we found an online coupon for about 60% off.  Total cost for 2 was $40.  Didn't think to ask about a military discount.

Manhattan:  Just to note that we never really left Manhattan...no commentary on the other boroughs, we just didn't have time to do everything.

Museum of Modern Art:  Hmmmm.  There were some really good pieces there including Van Gogh's Starry Night which I love and some Monet water colors that were ok.  Then there were things like a plain white canvas and a red board nailed to the wall.  I wanted to see the photography exhibit, but again I couldn't say that anything there caught my eye.  Some of it looked like my family photos from the 70s.  Anyway, it is personal taste, but I'm glad military gets a free ride at this one (reg admission $20).

Owater:  Flavored water with no sugar or artificial sweeteners.  Nice twist.  Also comes in a brand called Hint.  I know this has nothing to do with NYC except that I discovered it there.  Staying hydrated is important.

People:  People here were like people anywhere.  You can hear all the talk you want about how New Yorkers are, but it isn't true.  There are just more of them, so you will see whatever you are looking for.  I saw a girl in Goth dress and punk red hair jump forward to hold a door open for a couple of women she didn't know struggling to get their stollers in a door, elevator doors held open, and directions willing offered.  You will find what you look for.

Phantom of the Opera:  Excellent musical.  The best.  I have seen a lot of theater (in London mostly).  I have even seen this musical in London.  Doesn't compare.  The set, the talent, the show.  Just do it.  We got our tickets late at the Tickets place in Times Square after debating whether we should go for 50% off (about $60 each).  It was worth double that.  We got 2nd row seats off to one side, but didn't have an obstructed view and it was great to be that close.

Staten Island Ferry:  Best Bargain in all of NYC!  Free!  Crosses about every 30 minutes from south Manhattan to Staten Island right past the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island.  I can't compare it to the special ferries that go to the Islands and I have heard that Ellis Island is very good to go to, but for views and price you can't beat this ride.

Street performers:  Give 'em a buck.  Some of these people have real talent.  Who knows why they are playing in the subway.  Worst thing to do in my opinion is to listen, look or take pictures of any of these performers and walk away without paying.

Subway:  Quite possibly the most complicated subway system in the world.  Yet amazingly easy to navigate.  Get the North/South routes down and you can get around Manhattan.  Make sure you go in on the right side of the street for the direction you want to go.

Swizz:  Swiss restaurant (Fondue and Wine, plus full menu).  The cheese fondue was delicious, but the prices made the Melting Pot look like a budget restaurant.  This was next to the Broadway comedy club north of Times Square just outside the theater district.

Taxis:  Make sure you get in a Yellow Cab with a meter.  Don't let someone call a "car" for you, you are likely to get ripped off.

Times Square:  Overrated.  If you like advertisements, then this is the place for you.  People talk about the energy, but all I could see was the energy consumption.  Good food is hard to find in this area at a reasonable price.

Top of the Rock:  Top of Rockefeller Center observation deck.  A must do.  Day and Night.  I can't compare it to the top of the Empire State building because we didn't do that one, but it makes sense that it would be a better view as you can look at the Empire State building from one side and Central Park from the other.  PS:  Military is only $10 (reg price $21). 

Traffic:  It didn't really seem all that bad.  I'm sure it has it's moments and there was lots of horn honking, but when we were in cabs, there wasn't anything slowing us down.

Weather:  We had great weather.  Chilly, fall days with great leaf colors.  Had to wear a coat most of the time, but that has to beat walking around sweating.  One day of rain, but that was necessary to keep me from walking my feet into bloody stumps.

Wicked:  Excellent musical.  At this time it is still selling out every day, so don't bother trying to get discount tickets.  The second half is better than the first.  The set is simple, so a travelling version in any other city is probably very good.

Wine Spot:  A tiny basement Wine and Tapas Bar in Greenwich Village.  Everyone there was beautiful, go figure.  And young.  But a cozy place for a snack and a glass of wine.  Worth a visit to the entire area and a special stop in here.

So there you have it.  We had a great time.  We can no more say we have 'seen' NYC than anyone else who doesn't have months to spare.  We visited a part of the big city.  We explored a small area.  We did it with limited funds and specific expectations.  That, I guess, would be my biggest advice.  Know what you want before you go....foodie?  Wine?  Sights?  Architecture?  People watcher?  ...whatever you want to do, take the time to research it before you go, and then be flexible when you get there.  Weather or whatnot might change your plans, but if you can't find something to do in NYC, then you should accept that you are a boring person and nothing in the world will ever entertain you.