Circles



The bottom of the circle is hidden in the blues.

 It occurred to me the other day that my grief travels in circles.  I have seen the 'journey' of grief described as steps, hills, rollercoasters....but for me, it is circles.  The circle goes around through all of the well known stages over and over again.  So I am up, I coping, I am feeling pretty good, I am busy, dare I even say it?  I am happy...sometimes.  But inevitably the circle swings around and I am sad or angry or down or drowning in self-pity again.  And then I start over on the climb up the other side of the circle (my circle seems to resemble a Ferris Wheel rather than a Merry-Go-Round) and I feel hope, strength, endurance, and motivation again on my way to the top.


View from the bottom.

 I haven't blogged in quite awhile.  When that happens, you can just about bet that I am at the bottom of the ride.  I have made a decision NOT to blog when I am down.  For awhile I journalled and it seemed I ONLY wrote when I was down.  The result was something that was a poor, poor, pitiful me solilique,  both depressing to write and depressing to read.  I'm done with all that.  No need to reinforce the negative.  Besides that I need to conserve my energy during those times so I have the strength not to punch somebody in the head when they tromple over my last nerve. 



Time.

 So, I've spent the last few days pondering circles and decided that it makes perfect sense to grieve this way.  We all live our lives in circles.  Everything we do is a circle.  Big circles and little circles.  Important circles and irrelvant circles.  Exciting circles and mundane circles.  And of course, the most famous circle of all...the circle of life (burst into a Disney theme here). 

No, I'm not crazy....here's some circles for you.  Monday-Weekend-Monday.  Wake up-Work-Home-Sleep (time to make the donuts?).  Happy New Year - Merry Christmas!  These circles are built right into our infrastructure from the time we are young children.  We build in artificial beginnings and ends so that we have milestones to kick off from, places to start over...a friend said to me the other day:  Mondays give us a place to start....but really it is just endless circles.



Hope.

 Circles reflect life.  Have you been to the mall lately?  Everything on the shelf looks like it came right out of my 1980 something closet.  My friends complain about their motivation for exercise coming and going.  The Earth moves around the Sun, the Moon moves around the Earth, the tide comes in-the tide goes out, Spring-Summer-Fall-Winter (I'm sure there is some relevant parallel in the word Fall and it's position on the circle), throw a rock in the water and what do you get?  Circles.





On the Upside.

  So am I doomed?  Will I forever live in this series of circles?  Probably.  But guess what?  There is good news here!  Just like the ripples on the water after you throw that stone, the circles keep getting bigger!  Yep.  In the beginning the circles were measured in days, hours, and even minutes.  I could pass through every stage from pain to peace and back during lunch!  But now I'm measuring my circle in terms of weeks most of the time.  Maybe someday it will be months, all I know is that circle is getting bigger and bigger.  And maybe the pace of the circle will change too....maybe that Ferris Wheel operator will stop me in the top car once in awhile...who knows, but I have hope that my times at the bottom of that ride will be shorter and shorter.