Moving Forward

I follow a  grief support group on Facebook called The Compassionate Friends (TCF).  I often find the discussions interesting and pertinent to what may be going on in my mind.  Other times, I can't relate at all.  It is hit or miss, which makes sense, because grief is not one size fits all.  



Vietnam Wall Memorial

 A topic that comes up frequently I really cannot relate to is about people saying that the grieving parent should "move on".  Everytime I see this topic, I read the comments, not because it has happened to me, but because it hasn't.  I can't conceive of the possibility that it ever would.  In reading, I am looking, primarily, for the difference.  Why would someone tell a grieving parent to 'move on'?  It sounds ridiculously callous and unfeeling to me. 

I have come up with a few theories on why this might happen.  There is the obvious one:  The person saying it is simply a jerk who has no empathy or sympathy for other human beings.  I'll give that a 5% probability; I'm sure it happens, but it can't happen all that often.  Most people are just not that unfeeling.

Then there is the drama queen theory.  This is the one that will get me hate mail.  This is when the grieving parent is so very trapped in their own misery that they have to be the center of all things all the time and in turn, they have no empathy or sympathy for the rest of the world. Nobody could possibly hurt as bad as they do.  I also only give this a 5% probability.  Most grieving parents are just like everyone else; doing their best to get by.

Finally, there is what I believe (and hope) is the most prevalent reason.  It is misuse of the English language.  This could easily account for 90% of the cases I've read about.  Considering the way the average American tramples all over our native tongue (myself included), it is easy enough to imagine. 



Words, out of context, are easily
misconstrued.

 For this theory to apply, I would expect that the grieving parent isn't coping very well.  Coping, of course, is relative, but to the observer, the person about to say this callous sounding phrase, the parent appears stuck.  The grief process has slowed and to the observer no progress is apparent. They say these words with good intentions: "you need to move on" or "you need to get over it".  But to the grieving parent, those words sound like "let's all forget your child and get on with the party."



Moving on is sometimes
 impossible.



I believe what the person proably means to say is more kind.  In a perfect world they might say "What can I do to help you move forward?" Moving forward and moving on sound very similar, but the meaning is very different.  Moving forward simply means moving in a positive direction.  Moving on implies leaving something behind.  None of us want to leave our child behind.  We have to move forward with them.  We have to take them, their life, and their death with us into our future.  The poor, miscommunicating sap who said to 'move on' might be right to say 'move forward'.  There is no other option.  You cannot go back.  You cannot stay stagnant.  If you do, you will wither and die, and with you, also goes your child.



Elizabeth Edwards, in discussing the loss of her son, compared losing a child to losing a leg.  She said that you wouldn't ask someone if they had gotten over losing the leg. She is right, you wouldn't go to the hospital and tell someone to 'get over it' or to 'move on' from losing that leg.  But you would tell them to keep living.  To get up and learn to walk again.  And you would give them a shoulder to lean on while they learned to live without that leg--to move forward. 





Helping someone move forward
doesn't always need words.

  I posted the statement "Moving Forward is not the same as Moving On" on my FB.  A friend said, "It is like telling you to walk the plank."  At first that one threw me.  But then it made sense.  If you walk the plank you are Moving On.  You are leaving that boat and everything else behind you and moving into something completely new (I hope you are wearing scuba gear or can swim really well!).  But if you stay on the boat and hoist the sails, you are still moving forward.  You are moving into something new, but bringing the boat and all of its cargo with you.  That is how life should go.  You don't want to abandon the ship, but that doesn't mean you can't see new ports.




There is no road map

  If you are truly trying to help a grieving parent, be careful with your words.  They can hurt.  They can be misunderstood.  Even telling someone that they need to "move forward" (or "need" to do anything at all) is likely to be hurtful.  If the situation is so bad that you can't stop yourself from trying to help the person get their legs under them again, you might try:  "Your life will be changed forever, but it can still be a full life.  We will never forget *child's name* so let's think of a way to honor her and keep her memory as a source of strength."

Finding the right words can be difficult, but I can definitely clue you in to some wrong words:  Move on, You must, You need to, almost anything that starts with "You" and ends with something that person should or should not do,  get over it, try to forget, she would want, and most especially, no matter how well meaning, do not use ANY sentence that starts with the words "At least..." (at least you have more kids, at least you can try again, at least she didn't feel any pain).

No menu to choose from.

I can't give you the right words.  You have to find them yourself.  If you can't find them, try silence.  Or try "I remember when...", "I would like to...", "Can I help you (something specific)", "We should do (something) to remember her this coming (time)", "It must be very hard for you to...", "I thought of you today", "I thought of her today", or even, especially if you didn't know the child, "(name) is such a beautiful name, why did you choose it?", "You must miss (name) terribly during (time), can you share a memory with me?", "How are your other children coping?", "In our family we do (something) to remember our loved ones, would you mind if I did this in memory of your child?"

The right thing to say can be obvious if you remember the most important thing.  The parent does not want to forget or move on and she doesn't want the rest of the world to forget either.



You'll know when you got it right.