a very busy Angel

Last week was a wild week.  Michaela has a very busy girl.  If you are one of those people who don't believe that our souls are connected or that our deceased loved ones can have any influence on our earthly existance; this would probably be a good place to stop reading. 

My life has been a veritable mountain range of ups and downs and crazy jagged edges the past 6 weeks or so.  No soothing plateaus from which to enjoy the view, no lush green valleys to rest in the sun.  Most of this had nothing to do with Michaela at all; except if you are unfortunate enough to have lost a child to death, you will understand that absolutely EVERYTHING is colored by that loss.  The joy of playing with my grandchildren is dimmed by thoughts of what will never be, the death of a friend's brother is highlighted by memories of similarities and differences, poor behavior in other young people underscores the unfairness of my loss, the excitement of a new experience is grayed by thoughts of how much she may have enjoyed it.  It makes everything a bit exhausting; even the good things.

March started out with Michaela's birthday.  As it turned out, I was unable to do anything this year to commemorate the day.  Not that I didn't want to, but there simply wasn't time.  My job was out of control busy.  The next three days I was home sick.  Some combination of cold virus and simple exhaustion that I couldn't seem to shake.  During those days we got some disappointing news; just another in a series of things that make life too hard.  And then on March 4th we had to put our dog, Bear, down.  I already blogged about that, so my readers know how important he was in my life. 

On the day we put Bear down, just as my husband was leaving for the vet's office, Fed Ex arrived with a package for me.  It was a gorgeous oil painting of Michaela done by a friend.  I knew she was painting it, but had no idea when or how it might arrive.  Interesting timing to recieve such a happy thing at such an unhappy moment...perhaps a little reminder that Bear would be with her now and everything would be ok.

By the weekend, life was looking up, but I was feeling a lack of communication with Michaela.  It isn't as though she speaks to me or anything that obvious, but usually, as I pass through my days, there are little reminders--things that make me think of her and smile.  On Monday, March 8th, I posted this on Michaela's wall:  I keep thinking I should hear from you...but I got the painting at just the right time, so maybe I am expecting too much or maybe I am looking too hard. I just miss you...you used to be so loud it is hard to listen for subtle.

From that point, the messages suddenly weren't very subtle at all.  Bill and I have been talking about moving into a better neighborhood for quite some time, but other than some random MLS searches when we had a few minutes, we hadn't done anything about it.  No house had caught our eye enough to make us want to schedule a viewing.  But the very next day, Bill ran across one we hadn't seen before.  It was brick and in a neighborhood with some space; in fact, a neighborhood that Michaela always loved.  Michaela hated cookie cutter neighborhoods where all of the houses are in one or two basic styles and sitting right on top of each other.  It had every single thing we were looking for, plus some things that we loved but hadn't been on our requirements list.  Things that just 'look like us'.  But the surprise came when we went to view the house.  In every room and scattered throughout the yard, mixed in with other knick knacks and decorations were hundreds of angels.  Every room and every hidden corner held an angel of some kind or another!!!!  It wasn't a very subtle message from our own angel telling us what we should do.  ...so we did.  We move in next month.  We found out while we were there that the man selling is 82 years old and lost his wife of 63 years last July, just one year after Michaela left us.  I wonder if they've met? 

Friday night I had a dream about Michaela.  I believe it was just a dream.  A few other 'dreams' have felt a different way, but dreams about her are rare and to be treasured.  In fact, I had been dreaming all night long apparently, Bill said I had been mumbling in my sleep a lot and I woke up very, very sad.  But I went back to sleep and I dreamed that we were going to Disney World.  Michaela was with us and so were Bill's mom and dad (both recently deceased).  There was a problem with our tickets though and we were trying to straighten everything out.  During this part of the dream Michaela was 21 and dressed in summer outfit I picture her in frequently.  But then the ticket issue got worked out and I turned to tell her and she was suddenly 10 years old.  I was so very happy then, and I hugged her and held her and begged her to just stay 10.  Knowing, even in the dream, that she would never drive a car if she just stayed 10.  Then I woke up; but happier than before. 

The final part of this story has to do with the band America.  Around Christmas a friend had given me a mixed CD that he had made to comfort me after Michaela had died, but I didn't actually get a chance to listen to it until late January or early February.  The first song on the CD was Sister Golden Hair by America.  Soon after that, my son posted a link to the same song on her FB page and just a day or two after that I saw that America was coming to play an outdoor concert in Cocoa Beach.  I feel like when the universe is trying to tell us something, repeated references to the same thing popping up like that are one of the ways it happens.  So I bought tickets to the concert.

Saturday afternoon was a beautiful day.  We took our lawn lounge chairs out to the place the concert was to be and set them up.  When we sat back in our chairs we found ourselves looking straight up at the largest rainbow colored kite I had ever seen.  In fact, I had just spoken to the man who made the kite in the food line, but didn't really give it any thought until I sat down, even though he had pointed it out to me.  It was anchored and stayed right there; directly over us until the sun went down and the concert started. 

As the band started playing the sun set and the temperature started dropping.  The music was very good (all of you who think people get 'too old' to perform are completely wrong).  As I sat there a slow feeling of calm and love surrounded me.  It felt like a hug and it was everywhere around me.  I couldn't stop smiling (not that I wanted to).  It slowly surged, getting stronger and stronger, until I knew.  She was there.  Right there with me.  All around me.  Holding me and bringing me peace.  Letting me know she was there, even though I couldn't see her.  I told Bill she was there.  He smiled for me and said hold on to it; remember what it feels like; don't forget. 

She stayed with me throughout the concert.  The last song of their regular set was Sister Golden Hair.  And then she was gone.  She didn't fade away slowly in the way that I had become aware of her; she was simply there and then she was gone.  I didn't feel sadness when she left, just a lingering happiness that she had been there.  And a solid knowledge that she will be back again.