visits in the night

I have vivid and crazy dreams.  I always have had.  When I tell people about my dreams, I get very strange reactions.  I guess I used to think everyone dreamed like I do and remembered them like I do.  My dreams are often like a Steven Spielberg film; lots of action, adventure, danger and excitement.  Some of my dreams are so real that I talk out loud or even get out of bed (I don't think I have ever sleepwalked beyond standing up), once I attacked my husband, kicking and hitting.  Some of my dreams are unmentionable.  Some of my dreams are extremely violent and disturbing.  I have never particularly tried to assign any meaning to my dreams...mostly they are just a quick, funny story in the morning that makes my husband shake his head and laugh at me. 

Michaela shared my dream personality and often talked in her sleep.  She would tell me excitedly about the amazing dream she had in the night.  David apparently does not (he claims not to remember many dreams, but as a child he both talked and walked in his sleep).  I ponder our waking personalities and wonder why that is so.  What causes us to dream (or not) the way we do?

I believe that I am a very controlled (and controlling) person when I am awake.  I am closed to the world or worlds around me.  I am not atuned of the miracles of daily living that I know in my heart are all around me (although I am certainly more so than I used to be).  I think my mind or my heart opens up when I am sleeping and the world opens up to me.  Miracles can happen.  I can be aware and accepting of things that I would miss entirely when I am awake.  I think most of the time my dreams are just an amusement park thrill ride that my more stoic waking personality won't let me ride.

So, when we dream about the dead, is it a visitation or simply a dream?  My argument is that it could be either.  I believe in my more open state of sleep, I am more able to  recieve a 'visit' should someone want to talk to me.  I only have one case where I can honestly say I believe, for certain, that I was visited.  There have been other cases that could have been visits or may have just been a dream manifestation of what was happening in my life (i.e. my previous post about "my dream").  I may know for sure later; hindsight, it seems, is in fact 20/20. 

I have told this story before on Facebook, so if you already heard it, sorry...I expect several of my past notes may make blogs eventually as I don't trust the future reliablity of FB.  Anyway, I don't think my blog is complete without this story.  Michaela was in a car accident on June 28, 2009.  Her soul left her body sometime between then and midnight on July 1, 2009.  Several months later, I was still in deep, deep grief and I somehow stumbled upon an old "note" I had written on Facebook.  It said: 

My grampa came to me in a dream last night. Not a crazy dream or anything. I don’t remember what I was dreaming, nothing to do with grampa. But then there he was there standing outside a door….and I told whoever was in the dream, hold on a minute, my grampa is here. And he came in the door and he looked great. Something between when I was 18 and the end. And he just wanted a hug. So he came in the door and I hugged him and I held him. Then my memory is shaky...I think he told me he had to go...regardless then I woke up. I was so disappointed to wake up. I was so smiling and happy and also actually crying, tears running down my face. There was a noise in the house that I had to find and I was so mad at that noise for waking me up. When I got back in bed I didn’t want to go to sleep, I just wanted to replay that dream over and over in my head so I wouldn’t forget it. He has never come to my dreams before. I finally fell asleep after savoring that memory for an hour or so and suffering later for the lack of sleep. But I hope it happens again. It was so real. Not like a haunting or anything crazy like that….just a dream that my grampa thought I needed a hug. My grampa was amazing and I love him so much.



Michaela and David with my Grampa

 I read that over and over.  I took a lot of comfort from it.  My grandfather was a very special part of my life.  I always felt like he loved me the most.  But then I noticed the date.  I posted this 'note' on March 2, 2009.  I dreamed this on the night of Michaela's birthday.  My memory of that night interpreted what he said as "I'm so sorry, I have to go", but now I wonder if it might not have been "I'm so sorry, but she has to go".  That wouldn't have made any sense to my mind at that time, so my mind would have replayed it in a way that made sense to me.  Our minds are incredibly fickle at accurately recording what we see, let alone our dreams.  Or perhaps he said it as I remember it.  Regardless, isn't it incredible that he would come to me on the date of the birth of my daughter...just to give me a hug?