Giving Thanks

Well, here we go with another holiday season.  I have always loved the holidays.  I love the whole bit from Thanksgiving to Christmas... food, music, decorations, shopping, hustle and bustle, everything.  I hate that the Christmas music and holiday sales start earlier and earlier every year.  Didn't it used to start the day after Thanksgiving?  The Black Friday sales?  Now even those are before Thanksgiving.  Now the stores start changing before even Halloween is over.  I think this is a shame.  Once something is spread too thin it is no longer special.  Just sayin'. 


Love

 But, this blog is about Thanksgiving.  In my mind the official start of the 'holidays'.  Even more so in my family because between Thanksgiving and Christmas is a whole bunch of birthdays including mine!  Still, I am approaching the holidays with some trepidation.  I made it through last year's holidays with less pain than I anticipated.  I'm worried now that I am not preparing myself for the hurt that will be inevitable during this year's holidays and without my armor fully in place, I may be caught by surprise grief...sometimes the hardest to handle. 


Family Traditions

 Last year Thanksgiving was the hardest for me.  We had a wonderful family dinner at my brother's house.  Which was exactly the same thing we did the year before...back when we were whole and complete.  It was just too hard for me.  And just in case the day wasn't difficult enough already, my husband's father passed away that afternoon.  I'm not sure Thanksgiving will ever be the same for me again.  Thanksgiving was, unequivocally, Michaela's favorite holiday, because it was about all of the things she loved the most:  Food and Family.  Without the overdone pressure of Christmas.  Just togetherness.  It was incredibly important to her.



Us

  This year Thanksgiving will be different for us.  Bill and I are spending the holiday alone together.  No family, no feast.  Without Michaela and with the loss of his mother and father this year, a family feast would just be too much.  All of the other big milestones since Michaela died, we have surrounded ourselves with friends and family and it has been a great blessing, but it is time for us to comfort only each other.  So we will have a quiet day together and maybe a nice meal out.  And we will be giving thanks.  That is what the day is about anyway, right?

To get myself in the right mindset I thought I would start a list of things to remember to give thanks for:


My husband, my rock, my love, my life.  The reason I can still function at all. 





Mom

  My family...the one I was born to.  Those people that I don't see nearly enough of, but love with all my heart.


Grief

  My children...all of them, regardless of how they came into my life.  We may be a jumbled up mess, but we make do.







My grandchildren...love doesn't care about bloodlines.  Nobody can be sad around those beautiful children.



My trashy friends :).

 My HHH friends and the organization that brought us altogether.  I have never met such a group of irreverent, light-hearted, non-judgemental, fun people in my life, but what makes them special is the way they will be there for you 100% when you need them most.

My Bear

My dog.  Going on 12 years old.  Healthy and Happy, he has traveled the world with me.  Stay young Bear!





My Sister

  
Karen, my chosen sister.  I wasn't lucky enough to have a sister from birth, so God gave me one when I needed one.  10 years of unfaltering sisterhood, through so much together, ups and downs, happys and sads, agree or disagree...still sisters.

Bubble baths and books.  Who needs therapy?

Photos and videos and the fact that Michaela loved being in either of them.  So many memories to cherish.

Financial security.  Might be crass to be thankful for money, but security allows us to take care of what needs taken care of, see distant family more often than otherwise would be possible, live without undo need, and even indulge in little things that bring us comfort and joy.  It isn't something we have always had, so while we aren't rich, we have plenty and that is enough to be thankful for.

My job.  Like everyone else, I complain.  But really I have the dream job...good pay, flexible hours, a ridiculous amount of vacation, co-workers that I genuinely like and a company that tries to maintain a family atmosphere even in troubling financial times.

My faith.  I am not a churchy person.  But my faith is strong and my hope is eternal.

Flowers, the moon, the stars, the beach, smooth water and blue skies, the leaves changing in the fall, music, giraffes, surprises, cheese, electricity, thunderstorms and power outages, iphones and caller id, flip-flops, cruise control, the internet, horses, long weekends, and wine.

Michaela's friends and the way they let me be a small part of their lives, so that I can maintain a feel for her own life.

Pellie.  My children's father's wife.  Because of the positive influence she had on him and the wonderful step-mother she is.


And mostly, I am thankful for all of the people in my life who do every little thing to make my life easier.  All the love and the caring and the giving and the thoughtfulness and the insight that my friends and my family and even, often, strangers show to each other and to me. 

Kindness.  I'm thankful for Kindness.

**I did not take all of the photos in this post.

Circles



The bottom of the circle is hidden in the blues.

 It occurred to me the other day that my grief travels in circles.  I have seen the 'journey' of grief described as steps, hills, rollercoasters....but for me, it is circles.  The circle goes around through all of the well known stages over and over again.  So I am up, I coping, I am feeling pretty good, I am busy, dare I even say it?  I am happy...sometimes.  But inevitably the circle swings around and I am sad or angry or down or drowning in self-pity again.  And then I start over on the climb up the other side of the circle (my circle seems to resemble a Ferris Wheel rather than a Merry-Go-Round) and I feel hope, strength, endurance, and motivation again on my way to the top.


View from the bottom.

 I haven't blogged in quite awhile.  When that happens, you can just about bet that I am at the bottom of the ride.  I have made a decision NOT to blog when I am down.  For awhile I journalled and it seemed I ONLY wrote when I was down.  The result was something that was a poor, poor, pitiful me solilique,  both depressing to write and depressing to read.  I'm done with all that.  No need to reinforce the negative.  Besides that I need to conserve my energy during those times so I have the strength not to punch somebody in the head when they tromple over my last nerve. 



Time.

 So, I've spent the last few days pondering circles and decided that it makes perfect sense to grieve this way.  We all live our lives in circles.  Everything we do is a circle.  Big circles and little circles.  Important circles and irrelvant circles.  Exciting circles and mundane circles.  And of course, the most famous circle of all...the circle of life (burst into a Disney theme here). 

No, I'm not crazy....here's some circles for you.  Monday-Weekend-Monday.  Wake up-Work-Home-Sleep (time to make the donuts?).  Happy New Year - Merry Christmas!  These circles are built right into our infrastructure from the time we are young children.  We build in artificial beginnings and ends so that we have milestones to kick off from, places to start over...a friend said to me the other day:  Mondays give us a place to start....but really it is just endless circles.



Hope.

 Circles reflect life.  Have you been to the mall lately?  Everything on the shelf looks like it came right out of my 1980 something closet.  My friends complain about their motivation for exercise coming and going.  The Earth moves around the Sun, the Moon moves around the Earth, the tide comes in-the tide goes out, Spring-Summer-Fall-Winter (I'm sure there is some relevant parallel in the word Fall and it's position on the circle), throw a rock in the water and what do you get?  Circles.





On the Upside.

  So am I doomed?  Will I forever live in this series of circles?  Probably.  But guess what?  There is good news here!  Just like the ripples on the water after you throw that stone, the circles keep getting bigger!  Yep.  In the beginning the circles were measured in days, hours, and even minutes.  I could pass through every stage from pain to peace and back during lunch!  But now I'm measuring my circle in terms of weeks most of the time.  Maybe someday it will be months, all I know is that circle is getting bigger and bigger.  And maybe the pace of the circle will change too....maybe that Ferris Wheel operator will stop me in the top car once in awhile...who knows, but I have hope that my times at the bottom of that ride will be shorter and shorter.

New York New York

As my regular readers know, I was on vacation last week in New York City.  In all my travels, I have never visited New York City before (passing through the airport doesn't count, even though we spent the night at a hotel).  So, just to lighten things up, this is just a simple accounting of my New York City experience.

I don't think any two people can visit New York City and have the same or even similar experience, it is all a matter of perspective.  Even if you followed the same exact itinerary, the variables would make it a unique, personal experience.  I imagine that people living in NYC have very different perceptions of their own city as well.  It is like a whole world stuck into a very small area.  So these are just my thoughts and experiences based on my own past combined with my personal biases. 

For those who have been following my blog for my thoughts on grieving, I'll put it right up front.  Michaela wasn't with me in NYC.  It wasn't her kind of place.  She had been there before, so I wondered if anything would strike me about her there, but it didn't.  David, my son, was in my thoughts in NYC.  It felt like him there.  I look forward to going there with him someday.

So here it is, by subject:

 

Architecture:  Amazing and varied.  Very cool to see all of the old detailed concrete architecture next to the ultra modern buildings.  Sometimes there were so many beautiful buildings squashed together it felt like a waste of great architectural talent.

Bedbugs:  This is news that isn't news.  There have been reports of a resurgence in bedbugs in NYC, but so what.  The headlines are the normal modern media headline grabbing fear-mongering.  Do the research...it is minor and ridiculous.  Like not going to the beach because you might get see a jellyfish.  Let it go.  Live life.

Broadway (in general):  See a show.  Any show.  I wish we had seen more than the two we saw.

Broadway Comedy Club:  Skip it.  This is in the Broadway area north of Times Square.  It is a bigger comedy club and like every other comedy club claims to be the home of Seinfeld.  Two drink minimum is standard for NYC comedy shows, but at $10 a drink, no bargain.

Brooklyn Bridge:  Nice walk if you have the time.  You can see the Statue of Libery (distant), Manhattan skyline, Staten Island Ferry and financial district from here.  Subway drops you off right at the end if you take the right one. 

Canal Street:  Depends on what you want I guess.  I walked one block and it was exactly like being in Seoul Korea.  I headed north into SoHo and out of there as fast as I could.

Century 21 department store:  If you are into shopping and don't mind crowds, go here.  It is like a huge TJ Maxx.  Great bargains.  Very crowded.  Short walk from the Brooklyn Bridge (.5 mile).

Chelsea:  A trendy part of central Manhattan that is popular with the gay community.  Very nice area with many affordable restaurants.

Comedy Cellar:  Tiny little comedy club in Greenwich Village.  Great Show.  No huge headliners when we went, but they have a standard of a certain amount of TV appearances, etc before you can perform there.   No rookies.  The MC was great at conveying his message and also entertaining at the same time.  All of the comedians were funny and fun.  Two drink minimum was met with a $25 bottle of wine (counted as 4 drinks).  Three drink maximum. 



Central Park:  Loved it.  We only walked around the southern end from the castle south.  Fall colors were brilliant.  Afternoon reflections were amazing.  Rode the Carousel.  Tavern on the Green was closed in preparation for the NYC marathon.  Pedacabs are reputed to be awesome and from what we saw that would be cool, they know things and tell you about the park and will stop and take pictures for you and of you.  Not so much the horse carriages, but on a cold night that might be ok.  The horses looked healthy and well cared for.

Food:  Yep.  There is food there.  All kinds at all prices in all places.  We weren't on a foodie trip, so I don't have much to say about this.

Hampton Inn Chelsea:  Nice hotel in a great location at a good price for NYC.  Full hot breakfast included for ~$250 a night.  Free Wifi.  Sits at the edge of the Flatiron district and Chelsea.  A subway line at each corner that will get you anywhere you want to go with minimal changes.  Very clean, good service.  Clean part of town...

Falafel Stand:  You should at least try the street food.  For $4 I got a spicy chicken pita that filled me up and tasted good too. 

Fashion:  Loved seeing the different clothes.  Here in FL there is no fashion, it is all casual all the time.  Very good to catch up a little on what is in style just by people watching.  PS: Young Men...nobody in NYC was sagging their pants.  Fad over.

Greenwich Village:  Nice area.  Went to a comedy show and a wine/tapas bar there.  Loved the reality of it and small town feel. 

Iphone:  No problems with connectivity on either the Iphone or my husband's Droid (verizon).  My battery seemed to run out faster than at home even though I turned off Wifi.

King Tut:  We had a rainy day, so we went to the King Tut exhibit at the Discovery Center in Times Square.  It was a good exhibition and supposedly the last time the artifacts will be allowed to leave Egypt.  I don't think it would have been worth full price, but we found an online coupon for about 60% off.  Total cost for 2 was $40.  Didn't think to ask about a military discount.

Manhattan:  Just to note that we never really left Manhattan...no commentary on the other boroughs, we just didn't have time to do everything.

Museum of Modern Art:  Hmmmm.  There were some really good pieces there including Van Gogh's Starry Night which I love and some Monet water colors that were ok.  Then there were things like a plain white canvas and a red board nailed to the wall.  I wanted to see the photography exhibit, but again I couldn't say that anything there caught my eye.  Some of it looked like my family photos from the 70s.  Anyway, it is personal taste, but I'm glad military gets a free ride at this one (reg admission $20).

Owater:  Flavored water with no sugar or artificial sweeteners.  Nice twist.  Also comes in a brand called Hint.  I know this has nothing to do with NYC except that I discovered it there.  Staying hydrated is important.

People:  People here were like people anywhere.  You can hear all the talk you want about how New Yorkers are, but it isn't true.  There are just more of them, so you will see whatever you are looking for.  I saw a girl in Goth dress and punk red hair jump forward to hold a door open for a couple of women she didn't know struggling to get their stollers in a door, elevator doors held open, and directions willing offered.  You will find what you look for.

Phantom of the Opera:  Excellent musical.  The best.  I have seen a lot of theater (in London mostly).  I have even seen this musical in London.  Doesn't compare.  The set, the talent, the show.  Just do it.  We got our tickets late at the Tickets place in Times Square after debating whether we should go for 50% off (about $60 each).  It was worth double that.  We got 2nd row seats off to one side, but didn't have an obstructed view and it was great to be that close.

Staten Island Ferry:  Best Bargain in all of NYC!  Free!  Crosses about every 30 minutes from south Manhattan to Staten Island right past the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island.  I can't compare it to the special ferries that go to the Islands and I have heard that Ellis Island is very good to go to, but for views and price you can't beat this ride.

Street performers:  Give 'em a buck.  Some of these people have real talent.  Who knows why they are playing in the subway.  Worst thing to do in my opinion is to listen, look or take pictures of any of these performers and walk away without paying.

Subway:  Quite possibly the most complicated subway system in the world.  Yet amazingly easy to navigate.  Get the North/South routes down and you can get around Manhattan.  Make sure you go in on the right side of the street for the direction you want to go.

Swizz:  Swiss restaurant (Fondue and Wine, plus full menu).  The cheese fondue was delicious, but the prices made the Melting Pot look like a budget restaurant.  This was next to the Broadway comedy club north of Times Square just outside the theater district.

Taxis:  Make sure you get in a Yellow Cab with a meter.  Don't let someone call a "car" for you, you are likely to get ripped off.

Times Square:  Overrated.  If you like advertisements, then this is the place for you.  People talk about the energy, but all I could see was the energy consumption.  Good food is hard to find in this area at a reasonable price.

Top of the Rock:  Top of Rockefeller Center observation deck.  A must do.  Day and Night.  I can't compare it to the top of the Empire State building because we didn't do that one, but it makes sense that it would be a better view as you can look at the Empire State building from one side and Central Park from the other.  PS:  Military is only $10 (reg price $21). 

Traffic:  It didn't really seem all that bad.  I'm sure it has it's moments and there was lots of horn honking, but when we were in cabs, there wasn't anything slowing us down.

Weather:  We had great weather.  Chilly, fall days with great leaf colors.  Had to wear a coat most of the time, but that has to beat walking around sweating.  One day of rain, but that was necessary to keep me from walking my feet into bloody stumps.

Wicked:  Excellent musical.  At this time it is still selling out every day, so don't bother trying to get discount tickets.  The second half is better than the first.  The set is simple, so a travelling version in any other city is probably very good.

Wine Spot:  A tiny basement Wine and Tapas Bar in Greenwich Village.  Everyone there was beautiful, go figure.  And young.  But a cozy place for a snack and a glass of wine.  Worth a visit to the entire area and a special stop in here.

So there you have it.  We had a great time.  We can no more say we have 'seen' NYC than anyone else who doesn't have months to spare.  We visited a part of the big city.  We explored a small area.  We did it with limited funds and specific expectations.  That, I guess, would be my biggest advice.  Know what you want before you go....foodie?  Wine?  Sights?  Architecture?  People watcher?  ...whatever you want to do, take the time to research it before you go, and then be flexible when you get there.  Weather or whatnot might change your plans, but if you can't find something to do in NYC, then you should accept that you are a boring person and nothing in the world will ever entertain you.

Follow Up to Facebook issue

Wow.  I heard from so many people in response to yesterday's post about Facebook.  I figured I couldn't be the only one that felt the way I do.  Like something was stolen from me that I should have been able to preserve.  Like Facebook misrepresents what "memorializing" a page means.  I hope I will be able to spread the word about this and maybe bring about a change.  I'm really not the type of person who normally pursues something like this.  I am not a world changer.  I am a behind the scenes player.  I'm a supporter.  I avoid the spotlight.  I don't know whether anything will happen in the long run, but I won't let this go without at least trying.

One person made the comment:  "FB made her page into a glorified funeral sign it sheet."  I agreed with that.  What I had told people privately was that her page was now like a gravestone at a cemetary.  Someplace people would symbolically go to talk to her, but not someplace where she really was or ever had been".

My first line of attack is to try to spread through Facebook (seems ironic, I know).  I know a lot of people read the blog yesterday (about 2500 according to the stats).  If half of the people who read it, reposted the link, we would be well on the way to change.  But I doubt that happened.  I'm sure most people think like I do.  Sure, I care about this issue, but I don't know anyone else who has been affected by it.  But think about it...you don't know who is on your friend's friend lists.  So, I ask everyone, if they see this, to please repost the link to the original blog.  At the minimum it could help someone not make the mistake I made.

http://katylynnsays.blogspot.com/2010/10/facebook-stole-my-daughters-words.html

Some of the comments that I received were heart-breaking.  A family who just memorialized a page last week.  A woman who accidentally memorialized her husband's page.  A family who asked for access to their child's page only to be told that since they had said the child was deceased, the page would be memorialized automatically.  And worst of all, pages that were memorialized WITHOUT the knowledge of the immediate family!

The biggest problem with Facebook proliferation is that things move so quickly through everyone's wall.  I know a lot of people who reposted the link, but even I, who was watching, didn't see the notification on my wall.  So feel free to repost the link in a few days.

My second line of attack is to try to get the attention of the media.  I am not going to do that immediately.  I did contact my local newspaper yesterday (an affiliate of USA Today), but I don't expect that to go far.  After thinking about it some, I decided to wait a week.  Two reasons:  1.  Elections are next week and that is going to use up a lot of media bandwidth.  Anything we got would be buried.  2.  Give time for the blog to spread, hopefully virally, but that is probably asking too much.  Anyway, please comment ON THE BLOG itself.  The comments on my Facebook and The Compassionate Friends Facebook page are very helpful, but if the media gets to my blog, they will only see the comments posted there. 

Finally, although it got me nowhere before, I will also contact Facebook.  You never know.  If I can get it into the right hands, something might happen.

I am making no promises.  I am not a mover and a shaker.  I am a retired AF sergeant and a wife and a mother.  I am asking for help now.  If you think this is an issue, whether you personally have been affected by it or not, do something.  Nothing huge, nothing time consuming, but do one thing.  Repost the link.  Send the link to your newspaper or TV station.  Make one phone call.  That's all it really takes--I hope.  I'm not up to standing on street corners with signs or starting a petition or bringing a lawsuit.  It just isn't my style.  Maybe it is the style of someone else who finds out about this though.  Maybe the right person will pick up the fight.

I do want to make very very clear that my blog is not paid.  I do not get anything at all in any way from people visiting my blog.  I have no financial interest at all in this cause or this subject or this blog.  I do not advertise on my blog or allow anyone else to advertise on my blog. 

Thank you all so much for your comments and more importantly for caring about my heartbreak.

Facebook stole my daughter's words

Note:  Updated 11/7/2010 to clarify some points, particularly regarding her posts on other people's pages.

Also:  I grant unlimited permission to reprint all or parts of this posting to any person or organization.  Please credit to Kathleen Yockey, Mother of Michaela Thomas.  My contact information is katylynnsays@gmail.com. 

After Michaela's accident, Facebook became our communication tool of choice.  It just made sense.  It was a way to communicate almost instantly with all of her friends and much of our family.  We set up a separate page to pass information and request prayers (Prayers for Michaela Thomas) and later to share information about a scholarship set up in her name (Michaela Thomas Heart of the RA Award) to include those people who were not her friends on Facebook.  She was particular about her friend list on Facebook.  She thought it was ridiculous to have a 1000 friends, so frequently she would 'unfriend' people who she didn't have a current personal relationship with.  By doing that, she made it very clear who should have access to her site and who should not.  She had about 200 Facebook friends.  She also had 1000s of pictures, pages of notes, and quite a few videos that she had deliberately posted on Facebook to share with those friends.

After she died, some of her friends became worried about what would happen to her Facebook page.  Facebook claims that they will not delete an account for inactivity, but that didn't make us comfortable.  What if they changed their mind?  Would they announce that change?  How would they announce it?  In a message to the account holder (that nobody would ever see)?  It was very important to me and to her young friends that her Facebook be preserved, intact.  So we did some research and found this information (or very similar, I believe it has been reworded slightly to include 'status updates'), regarding "Memorializing" a Facebook page.

When a user passes away, we memorialize their account to protect their privacy. Memorializing an account removes certain sensitive information (e.g., status updates and contact information) and sets privacy so that only confirmed friends can see the profile or locate it in search. The Wall remains so that friends and family can leave posts in remembrance. Memorializing an account also prevents all login access to it.

/help/?faq=15666  

Based on the wording of this statement, we decided the best, safest, thing to do would be to memorialize the page.  Based on the wording of this statement, we believed that the only thing that would change on her page was removing her 'personal identifying information' or what might be considered sensitive information like addresses, phone numbers, personal email accounts, etc.  What we didn't think would happen was that her page would be stripped down to the basics and ALL of HER words would be removed!  These are words she CHOSE to share publically with the 200 people on her friends list.  SHE CHOSE.  This isn't something I wanted made public on her behalf, it is what she had ALREADY made PUBLIC.  How is privacy an issue here?

What do I mean by ALL of her words, exactly?  Let me tell you what Facebook removed in detail so you don't make this same mistake:

1.  They removed her family connections, so she no longer shows up on my page as my daughter with a link.

2.  They removed the Info tab that listed her likes and dislikes, music, movies, books, etc.  (things she CHOSE to share about herself.  Things her friends might like to remember about her.

3.  They removed her final status which was:  "Poor MJ, now that he is no longer living, he is just a legend", did they not think her family and friends would like to look back at the reference to Michael Jackson and smile a bit?  Is there something private or sensitive about that?

4.  They removed ALL of her previous status updates.  So her friends and family can no longer look back at what she said on a particular day and use that to trigger a happy memory of a particular moment in time.

5.  They removed her posts from EVERYONE ELSE's wall, including mine.  Everything she posted on MY WALL for ME to read is gone.  You can no longer see what used to be called "Wall to Wall" and is now called "View Friendship".  The link is there, but it is a one sided conversation with all of her responses and posts to her friend (me in this case) DELETED.

6.  They removed her Notes tab.  All of the little poems she wrote, all of the comments on society that she thought about, all of the rants about college life that she wrote deliberately TO BE READ are gone.  (Interestingly, although they disappeared from her page, if I dug deeply through my own notes, I could drill down to her notes, by clicking 'notes about me' (there was one she wrote about me), and then clicking 'more notes by Michaela Thomas'.  That lasted a few months before FB discovered that hole and plugged it.  But it certainly showed me that her information was still out there (and this information will become important later).)

7.  They removed her Videos.  Every single one of them.  Gone.  Her voice, her laugh, her silly faces.  Gone. Videos again, that she made and took the time to upload, because she wanted to SHARE them.

8.  They removed her friends ability to tag her in a Video or a Note.  So even if I had a copy of the video that FB so viciously deleted (deleted?), there was no way for me to tag her and make it visible to her many friends who would love the opportunity to hear her voice again.

9.  They removed all of her other tabs (except photos).  Things like her music, bumperstickers, and such.  Just things she collected and liked and CHOSE to SHARE.

What did they leave?  Her wall, but with everything important stripped from it.  As much as I like her friends, it isn't them or their words I want to read.  (We made a separate page just for that purpose!) It is the words she wrote that I want to see.  Her photos.  Her profile picture.  The comment under her profile picture "I am So Excited".  And that is about it.  The whole soul of her page has been ripped out. 

This happened over a year ago.  As soon as I saw what they had done, I contacted Facebook and requested they put it back.  I was told no.  That once a page is memorialized, there is no way to restore it.  I begged, I ranted, I complained about the statement and how misleading it was (is).  I calmly suggested that they at least reword the statement making it much clearer so that no other mother has to lose her child's words because she didn't understand the policy.  Nothing has been done.  And quite honestly, I didn't have the strength or energy during the darkness of my early grief to fight the situation.

So why am I bringing it up now?  Well, something strange started happening.  Suddenly, in the upper right hand corner of my "home" page, where the cute little reminders pop up showing you pictures and videos from the past, HER VIDEOS, those videos that FB removed from her page, the ones they couldn't restore to her account...those very same videos started appearing.  Not only that, but I could watch them and share them and her friends could tag themselves in them!!!  But they still weren't on her page.  So wait, are they protecting her privacy or not?  I thought those videos were so sensitive they couldn't be on her page any longer?

But now there is even something newer (and worse) going on.  For the past 24 hours her page has been gone.  Completely gone.  I hear from other people that other "memorialized" pages are also gone.  I am not panicked yet.  I believe this is temporary.  My guess is that FB discovered the error that was causing the videos and pictures of "memorialized" pages to be appearing as reminders and has shut down all the memorialized pages to install some kind of fix.  I hope this is the case.  But it sure would be nice of them to let us know what is going on, wouldn't it?  After all, somebody had to request those pages be memorialized, so they must know who to notify, right?  Why make a grieving parent or sibling suffer through not knowing what is happening to their loved ones page?  Is it being raped further?  Is it gone forever?  I have no idea.

 

What I do know is that I want her pages back.  All of them.  Like they were on the day she died.  And I want Facebook to post a responsible statement about exactly what happens to a Facebook page that is memorialized.  I want to know who those words, pictures and videos belong to now.

Facebook has been lauded all over the national media for their compassionate handling of the accounts of dead persons.  But who is writing these articles?  Facebook?  Has anybody else felt robbed after doing this to their child's page?  Where is the other side of the story?  I even was party to having a newpaper article published praising Facebook for being a valuable communication tool during our grieving (before I memorialized the page).  But, I certainly was NOT treated with compassion when I contacted them about what they did to my daughter's page. 

Yes, perhaps the person's identifying information (addresses, email, phone number) should be removed to protect the privacy of the surviving family.  Perhaps the 'reminders' to get in contact with them or view their old videos shouldn't pop up on an unsuspecting mourners 'home' page.  But for those of us who want to visit her page and see her words and hear her voice by our own CHOICE and HERS, why on earth would Facebook take that away?

Please share this information with anyone you know who is in my situation.  Please pass this information on, so no one else gets hurt by Facebook's so called 'privacy' policy regarding memorialization.  Don't let anyone else lose their child's (friend's, lover's, grandchild's, spouse's) precious words because of an inflexible and misunderstood policy.

Blessings

Yesterday I was interviewed by a friend doing a study on Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.  It was a more difficult interview than I expected it to be and although immediately afterwards, I thought I had handled it ok, I really didn't.  Remembering Michaela and talking about her is one thing; it is a wonderful thing.  Remembering and discussing that terrible time in the hospital and the emotions that surrounded her death is not something I want to do very often.  It left me sleepless and a bit down.

But I remembered when I was talking to her that even very early on, I was able to recognize some blessings that were given to us to ease our pain.  I was able to recognize that I wasn't coping on my own and I didn't need to.  That God was going to support me both directly and through the amazing people he has put in my life to help me.  I remembered that I had written about some of these blessings, but it took me awhile to find where I had written it.  This is what I wrote on July 1, 2009 in a note to her friends and family via FaceBook:

I am the most blessed woman on earth. God gave me one of his angels to watch over and protect for 21 years. Although I selfishly want many many more years to share with her on this earth, I can't be angry at God for wanting her back. She was only lent to this earth and we were the lucky ones whose lives she touched.

Michaela was a very discerning young woman and if she shared any part of herself with you it is because you are something special too. She had no time for the vain or the frivolous or those who couldn't laugh and weren't good in their hearts. Bless all of you who loved her. You are a better person than you know.

God took her in the most merciful way he could. He knew this was going to be a crushing blow for those of us she is leaving behind for now. She was knocked out instantly in the crash and felt no pain at any time, but he left her body completely intact for her to give the gift she so adamantly believed in...the gift of organ donation.

He also left her beautiful and breathing so that her family and friends could gather to comfort ourselves in the presence of her body. To touch and hold, kiss and cry over, and say goodbye to her. And then when our goodbyes were said and we were ready in our hearts, we said a short prayer and asked God to be merciful and take her quickly and without us having to make any heart rending decisions about her condition. Within 5 minutes of our prayer, she stopped breathing on her own and we were able to have her legally pronounced dead so that she could move on to her next gift and start preparing her body to provide miracles for as many people as possible.

They have assured us that her body is perfect for donation and that she will save the lives of many and improve the lives of many more. Thank you God for all of these blessings.

I was not always able to maintain that positive attitude, but I have never had to handle this alone.  I have my faith, my family, and my friends to sustain me. There have been many, many blessings since I wrote those words.  And I will write of them along the way, but I did want to make sure these early thoughts were preserved someplace more permanent than Facebook.

Fog

This isn't what I intended to write about tonight, but as often happens, something I encountered during the day has hung with me all day long.  I read a Facebook post by the Compassionate Friends Network.  A member asked about something he called 'Simple Memory Loss' in which he (or she) has entire conversations and interactions that later on he (or she) can't remember.  The writer wanted to know if this is normal.  Judging by the responses by other members, this is extremely 'normal' and can last for quite some time.  Longer than I thought.  Thank goodness.  I thought I was going crazy.

Honestly, I was relieved to read their responses.  Early on I wandered through my days in a fog of forgetfulness and indirection.  I would have conversations with friends setting up future plans and forget about them entirely.  I would walk down the hall and forget where I was going.  I would repeat the same conversations with my husband several nights in a row, sometimes remembering that I had asked him about something, but not remembering what his reply had been.  I am not in that fog any more, but I am not 'recovered' no matter how much I try to tell myself I am.

The primary result of the early 'fog' (it is actually called 'grief fog') was that I tended to become much less social than I had been before.  After a few very embarrassing instances of not remembering people's names, children, or something important they had told me, it just seemed easier (and less embarrassing) to isolate myself or socialize in only the most controlled situations.  One on one encounters I could usually manage.  Large groups were terrifying.  There were some situations where I couldn't avoid large gatherings, so I coped the best I could by keeping people I knew well near me, sitting with my back to a wall as far from the 'action' as I could, or simply leaving for awhile to take a long walk alone or with a single person.  I see now that my husband protected me then as he does now.  He used to joke about me being the social person and him being socially inept,  but now he takes care of our social responsibilities for me.  In a group, he is out talking to people, working the room (so to speak), so I don't have to. 

It has been almost 16 months.  Unlike many on the grief network,  I cannot (and will not) count it down to years, months, days, and hours.  I am not who I was before.  I never will be.  I no longer walk around in a continuous heavy fog, but rather like a fall morning where the fog rises up in low lying areas unexpectedly causing me to slow down and take care.  Stumbling along with my hands in front of me, taking tentative steps, trying to be safe.  I have been pushing myself to 'get better', to function normally, to get back to the top of my game...and beating myself up when I fail.  And I do fail.  I have those foggy periods when I just can't function like I used to.  Multi-tasking is impossible.  I find that I make a lot of mistakes towards the end of something I am working on because my mind has moved on to the next thing assuming that I can finish the current project on auto-pilot.  But I can't.  I make silly mistakes. 

Once I got a rental car for Bill for a trip to visit his mom; but I reserved it for the wrong year.  I made a car reservation for our vacation last weekend to North Carolina, but when we got there, they had no reservation for us and no cars either.  A problem that could have ruined our trip.  Travel plans are something I used to be very, very good at.  The day after the long weekend, I must have been very tired because I made several serious errors at work.  I knew I wasn't functioning at 100%, so I tried to work slowly, double checking everything, but I still made mistakes.  And then the fog lifted, and the rest of the week I was ok.  Go figure. 

In many ways, this spotty fog is as bad or worse than the initial fog.  Early on it was expected and easily tolerated by everyone around me and even by me, myself.  People had nearly unlimited patience with me.  Now, both me and the people around me (friends and coworkers) expect more from me.  I will go days, maybe weeks, appearing to be perfectly capable and then I will stumble and make a series of dumb mistakes.  I still prefer to protect my environment, keeping mostly to myself or one on one with close friends (and having someone double check my important work), but my friends seem to expect me to be who I used to be...probably because sometimes I am.  Sometimes I can be that person and all appears normal.  So when I can't, it appears to be something it isn't.  Anti-social, uncaring, selfish. 

I remind myself that this is a process.  It is not a series of steps, but rather like diet where there will be gains and losses along the way.  I will come out of the fog.  I will not be the same person who walked into the fog, but God willing, I will be a better person than I was before.