September 13, 2010

Chinese Medicine

You might remember that a couple of weeks ago, I crashed my bicycle in an epic over the handlebars maneuver.  A few days later my neck and shoulders were getting stiffer and sorer.  I had a headache for 7 days straight.  So enough of all that, I went to the doctor.  As expected he prescribed muscle relaxers and anti-inflammatories.  Ok, I can live with that. 

Then I remembered that I had a coupon for accupuncture.  Why would I have a coupon for accupuncture just sitting around the house if it wasn't for an occasion just like this one?  So, armed with my free $75 first treatment coupon, I headed out to the local accupuncturist.  I have no reason to believe that accupuncture doesn't work.  In fact I have heard from many people that it did miracles for them.  Who are we to believe our (western) medicine is any better or worse than something they have been perfecting for 1000's of years? 

I honestly had no idea what to expect.  When I made my appointment I was asked no questions (sort of a nice relief after  always having to tell some receptionist your most embarrassing medical issues to get an appointment with a doctor).  When I arrived I was greeted promptly by a smiling Chinese lady wearing a blinding white uniform in a sparkling white office.  Everything was clean and organized with the prerequisite medical charts on the wall (albeit in Chinese) and a reception window through which she handed me a clipboard to fill out.  Ok, I know this routine.  So far so good.

Next we went to the exam room where she asked me some questions about where my pain was and what caused it.  Then a man came in and we went through the same questions more or less.  Then up on the exam table/massage table and he does some pinching and prodding to figure out exactly where the pain is.  There is very little said.  His English is better than my Chinese, but I don't know by how much :).   Then he says, "lay down on table face down.  Oh and take off T-shirt."  ?? this is the first departure from a western doctor.  No, take off your shirt and put this on, take off your shirt and get under the blanket, take off your shirt while I step out of the room.  Nope.  He just stands there and waits for me to follow instructions.  Ok, I'm not shy.  I'm going into this with an open mind.  As I get ready, I notice the posters on the wall didn't mess around either...no secret anatomy in accupuncture.

Woman in a Beijing prison torture box.
Face down on the table in my pretty purple bra, face squishing through the little massage table hole.  More poking and prodding til he was absolutely sure he knew exactly where to hurt me the most, then in with the needles.  I had some vision in my mind of multiple needles placed in strange positions like behind my knee or something to correct neck pain, but no, he just put in two needles right at the points of pain.  Then he started sending 1000 volts of electicity through the needles  (one of which was stuck into my scalp right behind my ear) every second or two.  I wanted to explain to him that I didn't need electric shock therapy, I'm not crazy.  But I figured the point was moot. 

He left me there with my electricity pulsing into my head for about 15 minutes then returned and turned them off.  Over that time I had become more or less accustomed to it, so the pain went from being stabbed with a dagger in the head to a little pin prick every second or two.  Then more prodding only this time like a very rough massage, again looking for the most painful possible combination of squeeze and poke.  When I would give in and flinch he would say "hurts?" (yes, um isn't that what I'm here for?), "right here?"  (yep) "ok" .  Next thing I know he sticks a giant suction cup right on the spot and sucks all the air out of it it is sucking at my skin like a newborn on a pacifier.  Owwww!  I'm thinking...hmmm, that's going to leave a mark. 

We go through this several times until I have 3 or 4 suction cups on me.  Each time he applies one he shouts triumphantly "suction cup!  free!"  Um, hurray??  Then alas, he sees something he hasn't seen before...I have a bruise on the opposite arm.  "oh, black and blue...hurt?"  "No, not much," I respond, because I know the punishment for saying yes!  "Let's see"  Squeeze prod poke, until finally I must admit that yes, that hurts, just to make him stop!!!  "Suction cup!  Free!"  Aaahhh...somebody help me!

I lay on the table with (presumably) the evil pain being forcibly sucked from my body for another 10 minutes or so.  When he came back in he had some little pads in his hand.  "Herbal Medicine Patch, today free for you!"  At this point I'm not honestly sure I can survive any more free treatments.  I must have responded skeptically, because he then says "no, no, free, see?"  and proceeds to show me the pricing list that tells what I paid for with my free coupon (accupuncture) and the prices for all of the other services he was providing.  "Ok", I say, "Thank you."  What else could I possible say at that point?  On go the patches.  I should note that my husband wouldn't get within 10 feet from me until I took them off AND showered they smelled so strong. 

I was to leave the patches on for 24 hours.  I took them off the next morning and then I discovered the real reason for the herbal patches.  They were there solely to cover up the perfectly circular bruises caused by the suction cups.  Bruises on the back of my neck that made it look like I was abducted by aliens and had my brain removed through two points in the back of my neck.  Thank goodness for long hair. 

Random Oriental looking statue
that has nothing to do with my story.
Finally, he said, "oh, almost forgot best part, lay back down".  Face back into the little massage table hole.  Sound behind me like a lawnmower starting up.  Oh, for all that is holy, what next?  Turns out to be some kind of giant massaging vibrating thing.  I never actually saw the machine, but I would love to know where to buy one!  This thing was great.  It seemed to pulse and vibrate at multiple speeds all at once and she (I figured out from the shoes that the woman had taken over) ran it over my body like a floor buffer.  I love a good massage given by a person, but, boy howdy this thing was a close second.  Head to toe massage including the bottoms of my feet.  Delicious.  Ok, I forgive him, for all the other things. 

So, did it help?  I honestly don't know.  I think so.  I haven't had a headache since.  I'm still a little stiff in the shoulders and neck, but not painfully so.  I haven't of course stopped with the anti-infammatory meds and muscle relaxers at night though either.  Just to be on the safe side.

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