exercising and the 'new' me

A friend commented to me earlier that she too is using exercise as a way to recover from something, but that we had completely different goals.  She is trying to forget, while I am trying to remember every single thing I can.  It is a shame we don't live closer together, we could ride bikes together.

In a way she is right.  I have been journaling, printing facebook posts, gathering Michaela's writings, making notes of individual memories that I have as soon as they pop into my mind--everything I can to try to capture my memories before they fade.  I do want to remember every single thing and I love when I discover something new about Michaela.

But my exercise is for balance.  During that time I have the freedom to forget.  To clear my mind and just be me in my body.  It keeps me from becoming consumed by my grief.  It forces my mind to let go for awhile.  And with time it will make both my mind and my body stronger to help me cope with, and even enjoy, life.

Tonight I rode 13 miles (and stayed on my bike!).  I do it with a group because it forces me to keep a pace.  To push myself faster and harder than I would do on my own.  But even though I am with a group, I am alone and I like it that way.  There is a social gathering afterwards and I try to participate in it sometimes, because for some reason at times I still care what people think, but really that ruins it for me.  That is hard.  I really only like to be with my friends.  Those who know me and those I don't have to put on a happy little show for.  Where I can be silent and it is ok.  Meeting new people is not on my agenda right now.  Networking is impossible and, thank goodness, not necessary. 

My friends are a blessing.  They have been my support from day one.  Most of them understand my need for solitude and small quiet groups.  One on one visits are my preference.  But here also I strive for balance.  I just have to prepare a bit more for larger groups and I don't have the patience for dealing with conflict or indecision.  Nor do I want to be the cruise director any more...traditionally that has been my role in the group.  Now I just want to go along and join in or not join in as I choose.  I hope my friends understand this change in me, but sometimes they, quite understandably, expect me to be who I was before. 

That person is gone and a new me will emerge.  I need to meet her and get to know her before I can start introducing her to big groups and new people.