Dear Michaela,

Well, another year without you is coming to an end.  I decided to day was the day to write you.  This last day of the year, even though I hate starting my day with tears, I have come to know that the tears do stop eventually.

Things are changing down here as I'm sure you know.  Sometimes I wonder if you are glad you aren't here to see the hate and the ugliness, particularly associated with politics and bigotry.  But then I remember that you probably do see it, but you see it from a completely different perspective and I hope it is one far more peaceful.  More, I hope you just see love.

The holidays are winding down now.  Your brother was here and just went home.  It was a good Christmas.  Things are never perfect, but I have given up my need for them to be and my need to control everything around me (mostly).  It has been a big step for me, but it certainly makes my life less stressful.  When I feel the urge to nag about the things I don't like, I try to remember that if it isn't my life, it isn't my business.  Although I will speak my mind, sometimes I just must.  (But if you could get your brother to quit smoking, I would be most appreciative). 

Dave is living with Misti and Luke now.  Things are going well for him.  Getting the ball rolling as an artist isn't easy for anyone, but he is so optimistic about that.  Everyone knows he will be successful and he gets lots of support.  On the personal side, I'm hoping that living with them and the kids somehow helps fill the hole in his heart, at least a little bit.  He hasn't found the right person to love yet, but he will.  He is not making good dating choices yet.  Lol...but what young man does?  He will find someone fun and lively and able to put up with him eventually.

Haylee joined us a couple weeks ago too.  Of course I wonder if you met her before she came.  I wonder what you would have told her about the family she is about to join?  I watch Miley too, for some indication that she knows who you are, but she hasn't said so if she does, lol :).    She did climb up and kiss your picture of Mexico, the one you painted when you were 10, during that hard summer before I went to Korea.  That was a little strange, but I don't try to read into things. She turned two this year of course.  She is like a balm for my soul. Another friend is certain that her baby girl knew you and that makes me smile..

Anyway, the holidays were good.  We didn't do any kind of big deal.  We didn't even really exchange presents except with the babies. Christmas is for the children anyway.  Well, it is for the adults too, but in a completely different way.  Christmas day was a quiet day of simple family visiting.  Everyone got along and there was so much laughing.  It was nice to see everyone get along and put aside any differences between us.  It just isn't worth it to hold on to that stuff. 

It was also the first year that I was able to bring myself to hand someone a picture of you to hold in our family pictures.  In past years, I couldn't do it.  I wanted to, but I didn't want to make anyone sad or uncomfortable at a point when we were all on the edge anyway.  This year didn't have that feeling; the feeling that it could all fall apart in an instant.  Dave held it and I didn't ask how he felt about it, so I don't know.  Everyone is still reluctant to talk about you much.  I think you understand why.  It is hard to cry in front of people.  And even if the tears are normal and not always sad, they are still tears.  I make sure I throw your name out there every now and then.  Someday, someone will pick up the ball and the conversations will happen.  For now, just remember that they are young and missing you is impossibly hard.

Speaking of letting go of stuff, I'm sure you know Karen and I had a spat.  That can't have made you happy.  But we put that aside as well and everything is fine.  Life is too short to hold on to anger of any type. You would think I would know that well.

I still follow a lot of your friends on Facebook.  Sometimes I think of cleaning up my friend list, but then one of them will post something insightful or meaningful and I remember why I 'watch'.  It is interesting to me to see where the people you loved are going and what they are doing with their lives.  Plus, sometimes when I just need to see you, there you are...popping up unannounced in my newsfeed, reminding me that other people are still thinking of you too.  I don't keep in touch with many.  I chat with Erin every now and then and lean on her sometime when I am not at my best.  She is a good listener.  Non-judgmental.  You would be soooo proud of Sticks!  He is having another little one, so if you can find her and fill her in on what a great person her dad is!  Also tell her to brush up on bowling and basketball.


Grama and Grampa were down for a few days in December too.  We had fun.  Grama was lucky enough to still be here and be able to be one of the first to get to hold baby Haylee.  I have to laugh at Dave a little bit because he is falling into that trap of believing that the person he is now is the one he will always be.  We all do it, it is human nature...but I'm old enough to recognize it, so I don't bother arguing with him about it.  His life will happen just the way it is supposed to.  More and more I believe you were right about him.

I wonder sometimes if you are upset with me that I haven't done more with my photography.  I think now you would understand.  I don't have some vision for the world I want to share.  I don't have a story to tell.  I just like to take pretty pictures of things that I find beautiful.  I don't want it to be a job or a chore.  I just want to enjoy it. 

Overall the year 2013 had its ups and downs, but when I look back at the year, I think the downs were simply me taking things too seriously.  The fall months were a disaster for me, but when I look back at them I can't identify a reason.  Nothing was that bad.  I remember you saying that to me about your 'emo' stage...wondering what the heck you thought you had to be all emo and sad about.  Lots of good things happened this year.  Don and Kim got married.  We went to Peru.  It was beautiful, but I didn't feel you there the way I felt you in Africa, too cold for you?  I spent a day with my brother at the state fair in Iowa.  That doesn't sound like much but it was a pretty big deal.   Boston, DC, Gatorland, Disney, a visit to CT...we are so very blessed.  Chip and the girls came to visit for a week this summer.  And there was And I got Bill to go to a 3 day country music festival...that in itself is amazing, more amazing is that he wants to go back this year too.

The things I did for comfort after you left, I don't always do any more.  I don't check Post Secret very often.  Every now and then I check them, but I mostly find them full of gratuitous suffering.  The emo that didn't need to be. I feel for them, but they aren't exactly real any more.  I don't think you would still be following it either.  Instead I follow HONY, which I think you would love.  When someone is put on the spot and asked quick questions, their answers seem to be full of honesty...happy, sad, or otherwise. 

I still stop and take a picture, every single time I see a rainbow.  I listen for you to sing along when certain songs come on the radio. When I hear 'Sister Golden Hair' I wonder if you will come to me again.   I worry if I made the right decisions and did the right things for you and your memory.  I fight the guilt that we should have tried harder to make you come back to us.  But the absence of you, physically, doesn't consume my life any longer and I think that would make you happy.  So shortly before you died, just days, you wrote in that little book:  I hope your life is always fun.  What a strange thing to write.  I had the page out of the book on the refrigerator door and it drives me crazy that I can no longer find it.  I guess it got lost in the move somehow.  But I suspect it will turn up when I most need it.

On Sunday, I fell down.  Seriously it was an epic fall (and you know I don't use that word).  Definitely a 9 our of 10 on the klutz scale.  I was carrying a heavy glass pitcher, which shattered loudly into about 1 mill, 1 BILLION pieces.  And oh, yeah, it hurt...bad.  Heather ran in from the kitchen and stood there asking if I was ok...worrying, but unable to help.  Bill ran in from the garage and did what Bill does...he got a broom and cleaned up the mess (as I still lay on the floor rolling around in pain, lol).  But as the pain subsided (as much as it was going to), I thought of you.  I thought, the only thing missing is someone laughing at me...because I know you.  Once you knew I was going to live through it, you would have laughed your ass off.  And you would still be laughing at my inability to sit in this chair because of the pain in my butt :).  And your laughter....well, that is what I miss the most.

Love,
Mom