Labels

When our children are little, psychologists (rightly) tell us to correct a child's behavior without labeling them as "bad".  We are to build their trust in us and confidence that we will love them no matter what.  That is great, all well and good.  But at what point do they start to learn that just because their parents may not label them, the rest of the world is going to?  It is part of our nature; we have to categorize things and people in order for our brains to process everything.  We may not like it, but it is a fact.

The generation just entering adulthood doesn't seem to be getting that fact.  They do as they please and expect instant forgiveness, they violate trust and expect to be trusted again, they post their private lives out on Facebook and expect to be respected, they cheat and then blame the system for making it possible; accountability seems to be a thing of the past.  Except it isn't. 

I remember precisely when I learned this lesson.  I was a freshman in High School.  I had biology with a teacher I liked.  I liked biology just fine and it wasn't difficult for me.  But the teacher made it very easy to cheat on tests and temptation being what it was, I did it (so did almost everyone else).  Then there came a day when someone was mad at me and they decided revenge would be to tell on me in such a way that I would get caught (but nobody else would).  That teacher never forgave me (I know because he talked to my brother about it 4 years later!).  It doesn't matter that I never cheated again.  I was a cheater in his eyes and always would be.  That is when I learned that we can't always just say "I'm sorry" and move on with things.

Labels are real and they are powerful.  They aren't always bad, but the bad ones will cling to you like a leech in the Amazon.  One lie may not make you a liar, but for every lie you tell you will have to tell 10 truths to gain back the trust you lost.  The first time you steal something, doesn't necessarily earn you the label of thief, but once you steal from me, don't expect to be trusted in my home with my valuables.   If you cheat on your school work or are lazy with your college assignments, remember that these instructors are going to be the ones getting calls for references someday.  The last thing a recruiter wants to hear is 'oh, she's smart, but a little bit lazy in her work'.  If you steal from your workplace, either things or time or effort, it will catch up with you, so don't cry when you lose your job and can't get another.

Unfortunately it is much easier to lose a good label.  If you are considered 'honest' or 'helpful' or 'caring' or 'trustworthy' or 'hardworking', it only takes an incident or two to change that label.  Trust is a fragile thing and once it is lost, it is hard work to gain it back.  You can't just wake up one day and announce that you have changed, expecting people to forgive and forget.  You have to live with the situation you built yourself and slowly tear down that wall of perception one brick at a time.

Trust me on this one fact:  People will make assumptions about your future behavior based on your past behavior. 

Now we live in a world of cell phone cameras and YouTube, of Facebook and Twitter.  The cyber world is forever.  There is no 'that was so long ago' any more.  Anything you put on the internet can and will exist forever.  You can delete a tweet, but you can't stop the people who saw it and did a screen capture.  You can close your Facebook account, but you can't stop the people who shared your posts from bringing them back around.  You can think nobody is watching, but there are cameras everywhere these days, just ask that Fed Ex delivery man who threw the TV over the gate. 

I've heard lawyers saying that there will be a huge market in the near future for people changing their names and identities because they can't escape the persona they created for themselves on social networking sites.  All those pictures of red solo cups, slutty clothes, cursing stati, sexual innuendo, gangster threats, racial remarks...those aren't going to just disappear when you decide to grow up and get a decent job and have a family.  The FaceBook timeline should be a hint to you as to how this is going to play out over time.  How will you feel when your own teenage child...the one you are trying to raise to be better at life than you were...comes across what you posted today?

Just my thoughts.

Road Signs of Life

Life is often compared to a journey.  I think that is pretty accurate.  I was thinking about the analogy this week while I was traveling and I decided that life is more specifically like a road trip on a Florida Highway that is constantly under construction.  You have to speed up and slow down and follow the directions on the signs for a safe passage.  Sometimes the road is closed and you have to take a detour.

Along this road you are going to encounter a lot of construction workers whose job is to help you get safely through.  There are three main types of construction workers that seem to pop up in my life (particularly my work life). 

First there is the person who just throws up the "Road Closed" sign and figures they have diligently done their job.  They have kept you safe from the danger ahead, but you are left on your own to find a way around it.  I'm not a big fan of these people.  They feel their job is to build an obstacle.  It seems to make them feel powerful to stop you in your tracks and watch you have to deal with the frustration as you find your own way to the destination.

Next there is the person who puts up the "Detour" signs.  This person is infinitely more helpful than the "Road Closed" person.  Sure, they cause you to slow down, but they also helpfully try to direct you on an alternate path.  Most of the people I encounter (and work with) fall into this category.  They are trying to be helpful, but they only have time to do so much.  They slow you down and you are still frustrated trying to follow the sometimes confusing signs, but eventually you will reach your destination.

Finally, there is the person driving the truck with the big flashing letters that say "Follow Me."  These are my favorite people.  They are few and far between, but when you find one it is a true pleasure.  They not only protect you from the danger ahead, but they take the time to guide you to your destination making sure you don't get lost along the way.  You might be going a little bit slower, but there is no frustration in following the "Follow Me" person.  There is peace in knowing they know the way and are going to put themselves out to make sure you find the way too. 

I like to think of myself as the "Follow Me" person, but I know I don't always succeed, sometimes I just stick up the "Detour" signs.  I hope I am never the "Road Closed" person, either at work or as I interact with anyone traveling their own highway.   Which person are you?