Thin Skin. A Side Effect of Grief?

I used to be what most people would call thick skinned.  I wasn't emotional about things (well, most things).  Heck, I was in the military.  I took what was dished out and dished out my own in return.  I won awards for being able to stand up to pressure and got promoted based on being able to stand up for myself.  I used to be the "there's no crying in baseball" kind of person.  The one who couldn't understand why when I had to correct someone, they might start to cry.  Who would stand dry eyed in a life and death situation, yet tear up at the national anthem.  Then my daughter died. 

Some would say I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, just like a soldier coming home from a war zone.  I say pish posh to that.  But I do share at least one symptom with those that truly suffer from that.  My skin is thinner.  I can't quite take the rough rudeness of the public.  The world is abrasive on my skin, in almost a literal sense sometimes.  The smallest, most inconsequential things can tip the scales on whether I am going to have a good day or a bad day.

Driving to work, someone honks at me or flips me the bird for not taking off fast enough at a green light; on the wrong day that can put me in tears.  On any day it is deflating.  It is so hard to stay buoyant anyway, that every little pin someone sticks in my balloon sinks me down just a little bit lower.

A woman at work today was complaining about people in the elevator asking her to push their floor button for them.  Our elevator is unusual because the buttons are on both sides, but most people don't realize it getting in, if they aren't regulars.  She was miffed at this and said she just pointed at the buttons so they could do it themselves.  She is young.  Perhaps she hasn't been hurt yet.  She is a nice young woman, but can't understand how a small kindness can help someone get through the day and while a small slight isn't likely to ruin their day, what is wrong with taking the kind route?  I hope she never has to learn this lesson in a hard way like I had to; I recognize that I used to be just the same way.

At work, I might make a mistake (it happens a lot!); some people can say to me "hey, that isn't right" and my ears hear "hey, let me help you get that right;" certain other people say the same thing and my ears hear "why are you so stupid?".  
Today I asked three different people at work to help me with a very small task; just something fun on the lines of a 'let's get to know each other and keep the office a personal place' and all three politely declined.  None gave a particular reason, but it was really deflating; after all, I am HR, it is my job to keep the people happy and engaged.  After the third one, I was tearing up and had to shut my door.  I gave up.  I won't ask anyone else.  My day that had started out exceptionally well, turned dreary and sad all for things that wouldn't have touched me three years ago. 

I often feel judged and defensive of my opinions and ideas in a way that I wouldn't have before too.  If I offer my opinion about something and it isn't regarded politely (I don't mean agreeing with me is mandatory, just hearing my side and acknowledging it), I become very defensive.  I love a good debate on any topic, always have, but now I seldom enter them except with those I trust the very most...basically my husband and my son....because to have my opinion belittled, ignored , or misconstrued is too difficult and will ruin my mood, my day and possibly even my relationship with the person.  This too is new...before I would have just told the person to piss off and went out for a beer with them.
All of this is new to me and when I'm trying to define the new me in my new normal, I have to consider these changes.  Much like a returned veteran may jump at a car backfire or fireworks, I jump at unkind words and actions.  And therefore, I most often try to remember that others are suffering too, and try to be kind myself, even when I am stressed or rushed or defensive.  I don't always succeed, but I certainly know it when I have failed and it makes me feel miserable.