Rainbows

Two posts in one night will surely not be my norm, but I think I should write something down as I think of it and tonight I seem to be "on". 

I mentioned signs before and during and after my daughter's death in my previous post.  And I talked about how many rainbows I have seen and how extraordinary they have been this year.  But something new just dawned on me. 

In April of last year, just two months before Michaela died, Bill and I went to Hawaii.  We had a wonderful trip.  It was neither of our first trip to Hawaii, but our first together and our first time to Maui. 

Hawaii is famous for rainbows.  Regular afternoon showers almost always result in rainbows.  On my previous 4 trips to Hawaii I saw rainbow after rainbow.  But on this trip, just months before my shining, rainbow loving daughter was to die we saw not one single rainbow.  In an entire week, with all of the normal afternoon showers and even in the mist of the waterfalls on Hana road, there were no rainbows.  We talked about it towards the end.  Bill had lived in Hawaii, he knew there should have been rainbows, but there was none.  I took over 1000 pictures on that trip.  You will not find a single rainbow. 

A sign?  Only for me, I'm sure, but no way for me to understand it.  I'm not that in tune with my universe.  Here's a few more small oddities....not once since Michaela died have I had a plan rained out.  We live in Florida.  It is supposed to rain every afternoon in the summer.  I haven't scheduled around the rain.  In fact sometimes I have watched the rain move all the way around us, as we bike or kayak or even just take a walk.  I've walked through wet ground and driven through rain and once or twice caught the sprinkles at the end or beginning of a storm, but I have not yet been 'rained out' regardless of the forecast.  I often wonder how long that will last and if I will be sad or relieved when it ends.

Signs

Signs, signs, everywhere a sign, blocking up the scenery, breaking my mind....

Ok, not that kind of signs.  I'm thinking about omens, signs from beyond, premonitions, dreams, symbols, auguries, harbingers, prophecy, promise, communication.

I'm not going to introduce myself or explain my life situation, because if you are reading this, you probably already know it and if you don't, you will figure it out. 

I never put much faith in signs.  More honestly, I probably never put much faith in anything except my own ability to deal with things.  But since Michaela died, I see signs everywhere, all the time.  Wishful thinking?  Perhaps.  Real for me nonetheless.  Even before she died and as she died, at the hospital, I (we) were listing off signs to each other.  Things that had changed.  Things that had indicated what was to come.  Things that had happened to make it easier (many, many things).  Messages that many of us received from God (or from the universe, if you prefer, which I shall refer to as God for my own purposes and the explanation will come out eventually as to why I believe the terms are interchangeable--this is NOT a religious blog) during our ordeal.  Things that have happened since that have ranged from the indisputable (I believe) to the mundane, everyday miracle signs that I believe come from Michaela or God or my own guardian angel trying to help me. 

I spent the past few months journaling privately, and I documented many of these signs there.  I will probably repeat them here over time, but I decided my journal was too private to share at least now.  This blog is for everybody and anybody.  My secrets will stay my own, anything that could hurt someone else will stay private.  But I'm not going to jump to the biggest, most astounding miracles/signs, just to satisfy the reader. 

I am starting with today, actually yesterday.  Perhaps another day I will blog about the past.  Most certainly that will happen.  Grief is a circuitous route. 

Yesterday, I had a bicycle wreck.  Oddly, I had just been thinking that I had been very lucky not to have crashed my bike and was being very daring...getting the feel of riding like a child again.   I haven't been riding very long.  We just bought new bikes a few months ago when I came to the realization that being outside and exercising were a huge factor in making me feel better about life.  I suspect that would apply to everyone, not just someone grieving.  But I wasn't being particularly daring when I actually crashed.  I was very very slowly crossing a median to avoid traffic.  A median I had crossed many times before without incident.  Yet in my mind was a warning, that I chose to ignore.  It told me to go around, when I didn't, it told me to go slow, it told me to watch for obstacles in the high grass.  I did all those things.  Those aren't omens.  Those are just plain old fashioned common sense talking!

So I hit a hole in the ground that I couldn't see and in slow motion I went over the handlebars.  My bike flipped over and landed on me so slowly that I had time to think, 'well, at least my bike didn't land on me' as I turned my head and watched my bike land on me.  My next thought was, well, I must look stupid as all hell laying here with my bike on me.  So up I jumped.  I was pushing the bike off me before it even fully landed and up and on it and pedalling up to the group.  No harm done.  Nothing hurt but my pride. 

I finished the ride as quickly as I could and as I loaded my bike, I noticed a dark rain cloud had developed off to the east, towards the ocean.  Just one, very isolated, rain cloud.  As I drove towards it, it started to rain.  Not on me, just to the southeast of me, giving me a perfect view of a perfect, brilliant rainbow coming down straight from the sky through the rain.  I laughed.  Because a perfectly normal miracle.  One that I would have perhaps smiled at, but gave no further thought to a few short months ago, was now a sign.  It was obviously my daughter laughing at me. 

I have been given many rainbows in the past year.  All very different.  Not normal rainbows.  This one descended directly from the sky without an obvious arc because of the small size of the rain cloud.  Others have been incredibly low to the horizon, triple, and even one that appeared to end at my wonderful husband.  Rainbows were an important symbol to Michaela.  She used them many ways including on a keychain that my husband still carries on his keys as the one and only thing that he asked for to keep for his own memorial of her. 

Sign or everyday occurance?  You decide.  Keep reading.  Doubters might become convinced with time.  All I ask is that you don't try to convince me otherwise.  Hope, faith and belief are very important to me.

I found this statue (in the picture) today.  If you have a couple thousand dollars laying around and want to buy me a present...this is the one I want.  The artist is Gaylord Ho...his art is amazing.