This year will be wonderful too. It is just the lead up that is making me sad right now. Family is coming. Mom and Dad will be here Friday. Dan, Val and Nathan (my brother's family) will arrive on Saturday (blizzard permitting). We have plans for my birthday on Sunday with family and friends. Christmas Dinner on Christmas Eve, a traditional Christmas morning and then some Florida time. Dan's family can only stay three days, so that is a little bit sad, but we'll make the most of those days.
We had the decorations up early this year, or at least some of them. We had several redecorating projects going on at once, so really the house was in complete disarray for a few weeks which added to my stress. But we knew these last few weekends were packed solid and for the first time in 4 years I am maintaining a full time work schedule. The last few years I switched to a part time status around Thanksgiving and kept it to January. That helped immensely. But this year, although I was too busy at work to go part time, I have the luxury of being able to take the entire time off work while my family is in town. So it will even out.
But the build up and the preparations have taken their toll. Even before the Sandy Hook tragedy, I was overtired, overstressed, and very emotional. I took a couple of sick days, just because I really couldn't keep going, I needed sleep and I needed to be in my house. I had to get things done that needed done (in my mind) or have a nervous breakdown. After my mini-break I was feeling a lot better. But Sandy Hook did me in. Like so many other parents, grieving parents or not, it caused a physical reaction in me. This is the first time I would say I had something like a post traumatic stress syndrome reaction, although I have been diagnosed with it for some time (no you don't just get it from war).
I have had to turn off the news and hide certain people on Facebook. I am very careful to read only the best, happiest news articles. I take small bites of the Sandy Hook coverage. I feel literally and physically for those families. It was all I could think about for a few days. The horror those parents have to live with forever. I know how they feel. I don't empathize, I know. Because it doesn't matter how your child dies, the heart break part is the same. They have the added burden that is was deliberate. That is tragic. They also have to deal with their child "lumped in" with 20 others forever, in a sense losing their individuality. That is hard too, I think. And the rest of us (grieving parents) have to admit we feel somewhere deep inside that our child's death was just as tragic (to us), but it wasn't on the media 24/7 and the president certainly didn't send his condolences to us. But rationally, we know, the president will go home and the media will go home, and the friends and neighbors will go on with life and they will be EXACTLY like the rest of us. Only living in a town where the rift between those who kept their children and those who lost their children will be a difficult one to face. And so I cry. Over every little damn thing.
I commissioned a small piece of art a few weeks ago. The artist called me today for the name of the art piece and I told her "Michaela". She asked if that was after someone. I said yes. I could not say one more word. I'm sure she found it strange, but if I had spoken another word, she would have felt awkward. She handled it very gracefully. I expect the art will be exquisite, Mishy has her way with things like that.
I have the luxury, as I said, of taking some time off. I will rest. I will eat right. I will destress. I will make time for my grief. That is the recipe for me to have a good holiday myself and provide a good holiday for my family. I hope all of the other grieving parents figure out their own recipe and enjoy the holiday with their loved ones, living and deceased...I hope they understand that their loved ones really aren't that far away. Set that place at the table and see if they stop by (rare private reference to a dear, dear friend).
We will be celebrating a 'normal' Christmas this year. There will be too much food, too many presents, lots of drinks and talking and hanging out by a fire; but some part of my heart will be in Connecticut, in a town a mere 10 miles from where my own tiny grandchildren live, imagining the devastation of this Christmas on those families. Hoping and Praying that they have love and support from family and community. That nobody rushes them into anything and they are allowed to grieve exactly in the way that is right for them, for as long as they need to.
