Hello, It's been awhile

Hi!  Wow, have I been busy.  Last I left you, I was telling you about my plan to open a business this summer.  Well, here we are in summer and no sign of a business yet, but don't worry, we're working on it.  I have a story to share.  This blog isn't just about my life.  This is about my life as a bereaved mother.  And I have to tell you that there is nothing that happens in my life that isn't colored in some way by that.  Unless this is your first time reading my blog, you also know that I strongly believe that the line between this world and that one isn't very thick...we are just not equipped (usually) to see across it and we are trained from a very young age that we can't.  Once you tell a child they can't; eventually, they believe it.  Until something proves them wrong.

No, I haven't been gifted with the powers of a medium.  I can't see the future or bend spoons with my mind.  I have just learned to try a little harder to listen to the signs the universe is sending me.  My angels, my daughter, the universe, God, and all of my family members alive and departed want me to succeed in this life.  With a cheering squad like that, how can I fail? 

Ok, back on track.  I was working on a plan to open an art gallery.  Everything the universe was telling me was to do this.  But then a few things changed.  I looked at the real estate I had thought was perfect and it wasn't so perfect.  Then David got accepted into a great art school; which would mean I would have to find someone to run the business on a day to day basis or give up my job.  We had discussed putting in a coffee/wine/beer shop along with the gallery and that was causing a lot more research...what do I know about coffee?  The stress was building and time was crunching.  We were just about to leave for a magical trip to Africa and nothing was in place yet and I was stretched way too thin.  Too many irons in the fire with that project and so many family projects that are important to me. 

Then I had a dream.  In the dream, I was a terrible person.  I mean, seriously, the worst.  The dream was loosely based on Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.  There were some kind of tickets and whoever got one could bring one other person.  It wasn't to a candy factory though.  It was to go see or do anything in the world you have ever wanted to experience.  There were about 10 people who would win and the winners would magically do everything in a weekend.  Tickets were impossible to get, but Michaela got one.  She chose to give me the other one.  Then unexpectedly a casual aquaintance gave me one too.  But instead of giving Michaela back her extra one to give to someone she loved; I gave it to someone else.   I half heartedly told her not to worry, I would spend plenty of time with her, but it wasn't true.  I felt obligated to the person who gave me the other ticket and left her all alone, knowing no one. 

Another factor in the dream was that I had several animals--dogs, cats, even horses--but I was so excited about doing this adventure that when I was asked about the animals, I shrugged it off.  I said they would be fine for a weekend on their own.  I didn't even try to find someone to take care of them. 

In Ngorongoro valley. 
One of the real seven wonders of the world.

Finally it was time to pick our destinations.  I can't remember now what I picked, but they were enormous things...7 wonders of the world type choices; almost all about travel.  Even knowing that we would spend barely seconds in each place to get everywhere in one weekend.  I was greedy on top of everything else.  And the adventure happened.  And I didn't spend the time with Michaela.  She was alone.  And I didn't enjoy a single minute of it, because there was no time to breath and enjoy the beauty of the places I wanted to go.  And I woke up very upset.  I had taken Michaela for granted.  I had been greedy.  I had been thoughtless.  I had been selfish.  Just about as crappy of a person as one could be. 

Then oddly, I went back to sleep and the dream started over.  But I could remember the other dream.  I made better (but not perfect) choices.  This time I stayed with Michaela and the dream went on.  And I woke again disappointed, but not devastated like the first time.  At least this time I took care of Michaela; but she was disappointed in me.  My other choices weren't right.  Two more times that night I dreamed the same dream.  Each time I made better choices.  In the last dream, instead of trying to see the wonders of the world, I picked very simple things.  That is what Michaela was telling me to do.  I don't remember what they were...I remember one was something about making chocolate chip pancakes with Michaela and Grama.  They were all along those lines...learning something new, appreciating something small. 

When I woke the last time, I was happy.  I had learned what I was supposed to learn.  I got it.  I got it on a grand scheme of remembering what is important and what is beautiful, but I also got it in my current situation.  I believe I was being told to slow down.  Take small steps.  Don't forget what is important.  Learn one thing at a time.  I believe that Michaela, who in life wanted me to move faster at getting a photography business going, was telling me in spirit to slow down and not fall over my own ambitions. 

Out of that, the first thing I decided was to nix the coffee shop part of the plan.  At least for now.  That takes time, knowledge and money that I don't have at my disposal.  Next I decided to slow down the the opening of the actual storefront gallery.  First we need to sell some art at other galleries or in an art festival format.  Get things shown.  Build a resume.  Build a reputation.

And keep the momentum.  That is my biggest fear of going slower.  I have started so many good projects that I want to keep working on, but I lose my momentum.  I need focus.  I will continue all of those projects, but it will take time.  I wish I could not work my full time job, but that isn't in the cards either for a good long time.  There are only so many hours in the day; so I have to focus on 1. what has to be done and 2. my family/friends and 3. what my dream is.  The rest is just hobbies and pastimes...blogging, craftwork, and some other things I have started and not finished...these will fill in whatever cracks there is in time available.   But I will continue to find a way to follow my dream; one small step at a time.

I had envisioned blogging about my business set up experience initially, but that isn't going to happen for two reasons.  First, setting up a business, even a tiny one, takes a whole lot of time!  So instead of trying to write a whole blog on what is happening, you are welcome to follow my progress in fun sized bites on our Facebook page:  https://www.facebook.com/?ref=tn_tnmn#!/EnsoGallery

I will continue to write here, when I can, about my experiences as they relate to Michaela and my life as a grieving mother.  I have a lot to say.  Things are happening and she is constant in my life, but I didn't want to leave the business series unfinished.  But I also love hearing about other people's otherworldly experiences in all their various forms, so I set up a facebook site for sharing.  It is a non-judgement zone.  A few people have shared their experiences and I would love to hear from more:  https://www.facebook.com/?ref=tn_tnmn#!/groups/205921422836363/

I had a wonderful gift from Michaela in Africa that I shared on that FB page all ready.  I opened my heart to meet someone I was very nervous to meet, but that worked out wonderfully.  I feel on the edge of a great something that she is leading me to.  But I also must point out that this week is the week of the third anniversary of the end of her time on this earth.  It is a difficult time for me.  I find myself crying a lot and not feeling physically well; wanting to cocoon myself in the safety of my home away from the people who would help me.  But I also must remember that in the past two years she has blessed me with a sign of her continued presence in my life.  I'm asking her again to be with me and help me through.  And maybe get TS Debby to move on her way and let the sunshine into our lives again.

With Blessings.

Katy