The Picture(s)

For anyone who sees my Facebook regularly, this isn't new news...just some further discussion of a recent event.  It is about The Picture (and some other things).  So, first, here is The Picture:

In the background of this picture some people see something unusual and some people do not.  Of the people who commented on the picture, I would say a full 90% see what I see (perhaps those who did not weren't inclined to comment).  I did not see it when I took the picture.  I didn't even see it when I first edited the picture (changing it from color to black and white).  I saw it when I was deleting old pictures.  Unfortunately I had already deleted the original color version, so that makes it hard to really verify anything at all, but I don't need to really.  I see it and that is what matters.

If you are in the minority of people and don't see anything, try this:

Look inside the circled area.  What appears to most people is a young woman's face.  What appears to those of us who knew her is Michaela's face, with her hands under her chin, her blond hair shining.  This seemed so obvious to me that I found it hard to believe.  I have seen teeny tiny signs and believed in them whole heartedly, but this is stretch even for me.  So much so that I went out another night and tried to recreate the picture.  Nothing scientific about it...lots of factors would be different no matter what.    This is what I came up with (new picture on the left):

Nothing proved or disproved by this.  It does clear up though, what some people were saying looked like octopus legs in the first picture.  They are there in the second picture as well, simply part of the tree. 

I can't really say why I felt any need to prove or disprove anything in this case.  It seems so clearcut.  I guess that is why, perhaps.  I don't expect spiritual things to be clearcut.  I expect them to be interpretive.  Here are some things that I believe for absolute fact with no proof whatsoever:  My grandpa came to me before Michaela died to offer comfort for what was to come, Rainbows are important, I have had incredible luck with weather for over two years now (too much so to be coincidental), the balloons and the biplane at the beach were for us, Mich had a hand in finding our new home, she held me at an outdoor concert and listened to the Song "Sister Golden Hair" with me, and the angel in this picture (below):



Father's Day 2010



Funny how I find it easier to find faith in the abstract picture above than the clear one from more recently.  Most people can't even see the angel in this picture, although to me she is clear.  Perhaps that is why God (or the universe) doesn't just text message us with what he wants us to do.  Perhaps if it was that clearcut, we wouldn't believe it, in fact we would probably get locked up if we claimed to be getting text messages from God.  So keep this in mind:  Miracles come quietly...pay attention.



Small Steps

Today I did my second 5k (this year).  Last year I did the same 5k as my first 5k ever.  I'm happy to report that I was 5 minutes faster this year (although fast is a relative term!).  But I'm more happy to report that since I posted my blog about peer pressure about 2 months ago, I have made a significant change in my life and am maintaining it. 

Someone  asked me what I was doing to stay motivated, so I thought I would write a nice positive post on what is making me successful this time when I have failed so many times in the past.  First before I list out what specifically is working for me, I have to point out that I have only made one change.  I have been working out regularly.  I think this is important because at times in the past I have tried to make several changes at once (eat right, lose weight, work out, dress better, etc).  By doing it that way, everytime I failed in one area, it felt like a failure in the whole self-improvement effort and I gave up.  So my new plan is to attack all of those things in increments.  Changing one small thing at a time and working at it until it becomes a habit and I can make another change.  

For those who watch my Facebook page, you may have wondered what posting the pictures of my shoes last week was all about.  That was a second change, a very small one, being implemented now that I feel the exercise one is settling into permanence.  Since Michaela died, mornings have been difficult for me and I find myself just throwing on any old thing to go to work.  Mostly whatever went with flip flops.  So last week I started pulling my nicer shoes out of the closet and forcing myself to wear an outfit that looked good with them.  I'm thinking SMALL!  Small changes are easier to tackle than big ones!

So, to answer the question of why I am able to stay motivated this time, here are my thoughts:  Each of these sentences starts with the words "I set my self up for success by...."
1.  not taking on too much at once.
2.  choosing a workout schedule that is easy for me to commit to.
3.  choosing workouts that aren't dependent upon anyone else.
4.   choosing a workout that I enjoy and provides immediate feedback (yoga).
5.  choosing a workout that is on a set schedule and convenient to my house.
6.   avoiding the pitfalls I was already aware of (I won't get up in the morning to work out, if I get comfortable in the house in the evening I won't work out)
7.  setting realistic goals for myself and not worrying about how well (or fast) anyone else is going.
8.  having specific goals (i.e. the date of the 5k)
9.  accepting that every single day I have to make the choice to be successful at this; it isn't a one time thing.
10.  by celebrating every success, even through a simple facebook post that solidifies my accomplishment as fact (even if it is a picture of my shoes!).

Of course there are a lot of other factors as well:  A supportive husband, supportive friends, cooler weather.  The ones I listed are the ones I think contributed to my previous failures and my current success.  Notice that they are all things that are under my control and no one elses.  I am applying my new attitude about choosing to all of the parts of my life.  I can choose to be happy.  I can choose to workout.  I can choose to surround myself with positive people.  And today I chose not to stop running.  I didn't make the choice when my legs were tired....I made it before the race began.  I had to remind myself and continuously reinforce the choice the more tired I got, but I made it 5k without walking a single step.

I can't control my friends, my husband, the weather, or even my workload at work sometimes; but I can control my own life...one small thing at a time.

PS...I just started reading a book called The Power of Small by Linda Kaplan Thaler and Robin Koval.  I think I am going to like it.  I'll let you know. 

Being Michaela's Mother

I often get asked, in various ways, what it was like to lose a child.  How it felt then, how it feels now, what do I miss about her, what occasions are the hardest, what makes things easier; that sort of thing.  I am often uncomfortable answering those questions.  I often don't have answers or at least I don't have the words to adequately explain anything.  Maybe someday I will.  I read a lot of memoirs written by people who have lost children and they seem to find the words to describe their journey; maybe I will too.  

Mother's day gift in 2003 when I was away at the AFSNCO Academy

But what nobody asks me is the question that is SO much more important that how it felt to lose her.  Nobody ever asks how it felt to have her; what it was like being Michaela's mother.  My answer would start with, I wouldn't give up this grief for anything in the world if it meant I wouldn't have had those years with her.  I have decided that even though nobody asks, I have a need to share a little bit of how it felt to be Micheala's mother. 

Michaela left me many, many things to remember her by including boxes of journals, cards, letters, notes, pictures and videos.  I now feel strong enough to share some of that.  Very carefully and very slowly.  I will not divulge her secrets or attempt to explain how it felt to BE Michaela, only how it felt to be her mother.

Michaela was never shy about showing her love to anyone she loved.  I'm am not a terribly demonstrative person.  She was.  I am not a hugger.  She was.  When she was older she would tease me about it.  I didn't have an answer for her.  It isn't that I didn't hug her or tell her I loved her; but never enough to make her happy :).  Still, I know, for certain, she knows how much I love her.

She was also my greatest cheerleader.  She told me over and over what a great mother I was; how much better our relationship was than any of her friends had with their mothers; how much she liked spending time wtih me.  And in other things too--if I wanted to lose weight, get in shape, start a business--she was right there telling me I could do it.

Of course we didn't always agree.  Nobody always agrees with their mom.  Sometimes I disagreed with her choices.  Sometimes I thought she shortchanged herself; undermining herself through insecurity.  Only once am I aware of her hiding something big from me for any significant amount of time.  She was afraid I would be disappointed in her decision and wanted to make sure that decision worked out before she told me.  She was an adult.  That was her choice.  But it did hurt me.  She could never let me down; she worked so hard to please me all the time.

I'm sure it was much easier to see these things in retrospect than when I was actually making her do her own laundry while some of her friend's moms were still cleaning their rooms for them.  When I was making her get a job at 16 to pay for her own gas and entertainment; when I was making her fill out scholarship applications as a task tied to how much financial support she would get from me in college (whether or not she got the scholarships); when I wouldn't let her stay out all night on those all important (and most dangerous) nights like prom and graduation or go to Key West for Spring Break when she was underage; when I put a top dollar I would pay for a prom dress and she had to pay for the rest herself if she wanted a more expensive one; when I bought her a stick shift car for her first car at 16.

Only in her mind did she let anything come between us.  She was young and didn't undestand the nature of mother love.  She didn't understand that a mother must hold loosely at the right times (and tightly at the right times)  for a child to grow up and become their own person.  That a mother knows a child will pull and push alternatively as they stretch their own wings and then snuggle back under their mother's for protection.  I learned patience from my daughter.

That's really the bottom line.  Home isn't a place.  Home isn't even really a person.  Home is the connection of one soul with another.  A connection that lasts well beyond death.

Choice

Reading and Dogs = Happiness for the Women in my Family!

I have been doing some different reading lately.  My normal leisure reading is Chick Lit and murder/thrillers.  After Michaela died I started reading about Angels and other afterlife type topics, but after a bit, I stopped reading those too.  Most of them were very heavily religious.  I'm not anti-religion particularly, but I believe the way I believe and many of these books were pushing a specific set of beliefs.  That turned me off. 



Cool Beads! 

 Lately I have been reading inspirational things; affirming things.  Writings that don't necessarily use religion as a push for morality and goodness, but instead talk of finding your inner strength and beauty.  Of opening yourself to the beauty and power of the universe and all of its gifts.  Articles, books, and webpages that emphasize the power of choice in our happiness.



Sage, Michaela, and Sarah Choosing Happiness.

 I believe this emphatically (even though I haven't always been successful at it).  Everything we do is a choice; how we feel is a choice.  Many things, perhaps most things are not under our control.  Those aren't things we should worry about.  How we react to our personal situation is our choice though and that choice can make every difference in how we feel about ourselves, our lives, our happiness, and our future.  And it isn't just one choice, but it is a continuous choice!  To live happily we have to choose to live happily over and over again. 




Michaela wanted to wallpaper a wall with this picture.

 I would never have chosen for Michaela to die.  That was out of my control.  But how I choose to live my life every day now is my own choice and I choose to be happy.  It is much harder to choose happiness now than it used to be.  It was a choice I made most of my life unconsciously.  Until Michaela died, I almost always felt lucky and happy and like nothing truly bad could ever really happen to me.  That I could cope with anything and make the best of it.  After Michaela died, I was very, very angry at the universe.  How could this happen?  Why? Why? Why?   It has taken me a long time and a lot of work to get back to this point.  There have been times when I couldn't quite get my mind around the idea that I even had a choice.



Don't be Afraid to Live!

 I read a lot of things written by other bereaved parents and am quite astounded by the range of emotion they display.  I used to I wonder why that was.  Why are some parents able to be happy and live while other parents get stuck in the misery of their loss?  Why some parents believe living the best, happiest life they can is an honor to their child but other parents seem to feel like the only way they can project their love for their lost child is to continue to cry forever and they feel guilty if they smile or laugh.  I can't imagine that if they could grasp the spirituality of their 'lost' child they would feel that way. 

Reading has helped me.  Some of my friends have helped me.  My friend, Kim, said that after the first 30 seconds anger is a choice.  That any emotion can only run through you for 30 seconds (I might be getting the time wrong, but it is very short) and after that if we continue to stay mad it is because we are choosing to.  I have thought about that a lot.   I am also very certain raising my activity level for the last month has helped me. 



The View is Better from the Top!

 I am working on making better choices all the way around.  I posted a picture from the FB page "Pure Nourishment" (great site for positive thinking!) the other day that said The Choices We Make Define Us.  I thought about that all day long.  It is absolutely true.  If someone has to describe you, they are going to pick words based on the choices you have made in life--the things you DO, not the things you SAY.  



This is my new goal:  Each morning, I will get out of bed and make a choice to be happy.  I will turn on the lights, hug the dog, and sing through my shower, no matter how tired I feel.  I will help myself help myself by playing music at my desk and playing picture slide shows on my iPad that make me smile.  I will bounce in my chair and visit with my coworkers and choose productivity over idleness.  Then at the end of the day, when I am tired, I will choose to move one more time to do something positive--walk, run, yoga, swim, even clean the house--before I allow myself to rest and enjoy some quiet time.  I won't always succeed, but every success leads to more success and I choose to spiral upwards towards happiness rather than downwards in a continuous spiral of depression.



What Inspires You???

 In addition to my normal reading material, I am consciously seeking things to read that affirm my positive feelings and thoughts. Writings that inspire me to be happy and embrace life.  I also look for books, articles, blogs, websites and even movies that reaffirm my belief in the oneness of the universe and the spiritual presence of my daughter in my current life and the promise of her in my next form of being, whatever it is.





If you have read (or watched or done) anything particularly inspiring lately, please share with me and I will also share for those interested, some of the material I have found that leads me towards happiness.





Poem by Susan Sweat.  Smile by Michaela.