Thin Skin. A Side Effect of Grief?

I used to be what most people would call thick skinned.  I wasn't emotional about things (well, most things).  Heck, I was in the military.  I took what was dished out and dished out my own in return.  I won awards for being able to stand up to pressure and got promoted based on being able to stand up for myself.  I used to be the "there's no crying in baseball" kind of person.  The one who couldn't understand why when I had to correct someone, they might start to cry.  Who would stand dry eyed in a life and death situation, yet tear up at the national anthem.  Then my daughter died. 

Some would say I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, just like a soldier coming home from a war zone.  I say pish posh to that.  But I do share at least one symptom with those that truly suffer from that.  My skin is thinner.  I can't quite take the rough rudeness of the public.  The world is abrasive on my skin, in almost a literal sense sometimes.  The smallest, most inconsequential things can tip the scales on whether I am going to have a good day or a bad day.

Driving to work, someone honks at me or flips me the bird for not taking off fast enough at a green light; on the wrong day that can put me in tears.  On any day it is deflating.  It is so hard to stay buoyant anyway, that every little pin someone sticks in my balloon sinks me down just a little bit lower.

A woman at work today was complaining about people in the elevator asking her to push their floor button for them.  Our elevator is unusual because the buttons are on both sides, but most people don't realize it getting in, if they aren't regulars.  She was miffed at this and said she just pointed at the buttons so they could do it themselves.  She is young.  Perhaps she hasn't been hurt yet.  She is a nice young woman, but can't understand how a small kindness can help someone get through the day and while a small slight isn't likely to ruin their day, what is wrong with taking the kind route?  I hope she never has to learn this lesson in a hard way like I had to; I recognize that I used to be just the same way.

At work, I might make a mistake (it happens a lot!); some people can say to me "hey, that isn't right" and my ears hear "hey, let me help you get that right;" certain other people say the same thing and my ears hear "why are you so stupid?".  
Today I asked three different people at work to help me with a very small task; just something fun on the lines of a 'let's get to know each other and keep the office a personal place' and all three politely declined.  None gave a particular reason, but it was really deflating; after all, I am HR, it is my job to keep the people happy and engaged.  After the third one, I was tearing up and had to shut my door.  I gave up.  I won't ask anyone else.  My day that had started out exceptionally well, turned dreary and sad all for things that wouldn't have touched me three years ago. 

I often feel judged and defensive of my opinions and ideas in a way that I wouldn't have before too.  If I offer my opinion about something and it isn't regarded politely (I don't mean agreeing with me is mandatory, just hearing my side and acknowledging it), I become very defensive.  I love a good debate on any topic, always have, but now I seldom enter them except with those I trust the very most...basically my husband and my son....because to have my opinion belittled, ignored , or misconstrued is too difficult and will ruin my mood, my day and possibly even my relationship with the person.  This too is new...before I would have just told the person to piss off and went out for a beer with them.
All of this is new to me and when I'm trying to define the new me in my new normal, I have to consider these changes.  Much like a returned veteran may jump at a car backfire or fireworks, I jump at unkind words and actions.  And therefore, I most often try to remember that others are suffering too, and try to be kind myself, even when I am stressed or rushed or defensive.  I don't always succeed, but I certainly know it when I have failed and it makes me feel miserable.

Stop Kony 2012?

Ok, so this is off topic for me, but it is really on my nerves.  What is up with the gullibility of Americans?  Why does a well placed advertisement get the attention that the major legitimate news media (oxymoron?) does not?  Why do people blindly follow without asking any questions?  It is so easy to click and share, without further thought.  Keep this in mind though:  A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to put its pants on. ~ Winston Churchill.

I admit freely that I am like 99.9% of Americans:  grossly undereducated about the problems outside of our own borders (and inside too, for that matter), so when I see something as emotional and thought provoking as the Kony Video, I want to know what's up. For real, what's up, not what the videographer wants me to think is up.  Because when something seems too good (or bad) to be true, it should be questioned.  Fortunately for me, there is the internet, just waiting for my queries.

Before you stop reading and start hating, let me acknowledge that Kony is a very bad man.  In fact there are a lot of very bad people involved in the situation(s) in Africa.  It is a bad situation, and a good cause in general; however, Invisible Children is a business.  Non-profit to be sure, but a business.  People get the idea that non-profit agencies do good at no benefit to themselves, but that is an illusion based on the questionable title "non-profit".  All non-profit means is that the organization itself doesn't make a profit (or pay taxes); which makes it very easy for them to offer lavish salaries and perks to their executives, work out of spacious, well-appointed facilities, and spend tons of money on advertising so they can raise their salaries and improve their facilities, while often giving back little to the cause they proclaim to support.

Before opening my wallet to any charity, I want to know how my money is being used.  There are legitimate organizations out there that audit charities and report this information.  "Invisible Children" chooses not to associate itself with one of the largest:  the Better Business Bureau Wise Giving Alliance. 

From their website:  Despite written BBB Wise Giving Alliance requests in the past year, this organization either has not responded to Alliance requests for information or has declined to be evaluated in relation to the Alliance’s Standards for Charity Accountability. While participation in the Alliance’s charity review efforts is voluntary, the Alliance believes that failure to participate may demonstrate a lack of commitment to transparency. Without the requested information, the Alliance cannot determine if this charity adheres to the Standards for Charity Accountability. A charity's willing disclosure of information beyond that typically included in its financial statements and government filings is, in the Alliance's view, an expression of openness that strengthens public trust in the charitable sector.
However, as a non-profit organization, Invisible Children must make their finance public, so you can see for yourself (albeit without the accounting tools that BBB uses).  Here is a link to their 2011 budget.

Last year, the organization spent $8,676,614.  Only 32% went to direct services, while  $1,074,273 was allocated to travel and $1,724,993 was allocated to staff compensation.  Note that direct services doesn't in any way imply effective services.

What is effective services?   Just as it sounds:  doing something that actually causes a change or improves the situation.  This self-aggrandizing video does nothing of the sort.  It simply implies that they want to get government intervention, when in fact their goal is to get you (actually people much richer than you) to open your wallet.  There is an excellent analysis of the actual situation in Uganda at this link:  LA Times/World Now.

From that article:  TMS Ruge, co-founder of online platform Project Diaspora: "This IC campaign is a perfect example of how fund-sucking NGO’s survive. “Raising awareness” (as vapid an exercise as it is) on the level that IC does, costs money. Loads and loads of money. Someone has to pay for the executive staff, fancy offices, and well, that 30-minute grand-savior, self-crowning exercise in ego stroking — in HD — wasn’t free. In all this kerfuffle, I am afraid everyone is missing the true aim of IC’s brilliant marketing strategy.

Fred Opolot, Ugandan government spokesman, quoted in the Telegraph: “It is totally misleading to suggest that the war is still in Uganda. I suspect that if that’s the impression they are making, they are doing it only to garner increasing financial resources for their own agenda.”

Read it for yourself people.  Research is nothing but a Google search away.  This whole situation reminds me of Greg Mortenson and his book Three Cups of Tea.  Mortenson took a tiny bit of fact and built an entirely fictional story around it.  He fooled Oprah, Obama and the US government into believing his claims.  He used his Non-profit organization as a "personal ATM machine" while accomplishing very little in his mission of building schools and educating Pakistani women.  I got the book, by chapter 3, I told my husband this story is to fantastical to be true and sure enough, my cynicism was yet again rewarded.  You can read the 60 Minutes story for yourself.  It is quite disturbing.

Invisible Children watched and learned.  Like Mortenson's Non-Profit "Central Asia Institute" there is enough good going on to fool people into thinking by supporting it, they can make a difference.  But do you want only 30 cents of every dollar you donate going to "try to" help children (albeit in an oversimplified and misguided way) while 70% supports the infrastructure of the organization itself?  I suspect we'll hearing a lot more about this organization in the near future and not all of it will be flattering. 

I'll give my money elsewhere and my prayers to the children of Africa.

Happy Birthday Michaela

Today Michaela would have been 24.  Amazing.  I can imagine the kind of woman she would have been.  It is strange to miss something that never was. 
People often ask me about Michaela's art.  She was amazingly talented (like her brother), but she didn't really focus on art.  She really loved the written word.  She wrote poems and thoughts and lyrics to songs she liked.  She journaled her entire life.  She was often sad and lonely, yet somehow brought light and love to other people.  Few recognized her sadness. 
Since so many people have asked about her art, for her birthday I am giving you a special present--from her.  These are excerpts from the art journal that she kept during her summer abroad in 2008.  I hope you enjoy.


This is the first page of the journal.

A Cityscape drawn over a page of journalling.

Pencil drawing.

A pencil drawing of her Italian instructor, Luca.

Her Favorite singer--from the Band "Fall Out Boy".  She was obsessed.

She believed.  I still have that blue Ipod.  It is engraved :).

A bit of anger, perhaps?

Colored pencil drawing of her friend, Erin and her in a car.

A happy day in Valencia, Spain.

The colors of Capri, Italy in watercolor.

Dear Michaela...Past Midnight is not PM.  You never could tell time on a clock, could you?

Not a fan of the bullfight.  I told her she wouldn't like it before she went.

She was so often lonely.  Youth is hard.

She drew this theme several times and told me it illustrated how she felt awakened by her trip to Europe.

The bottom said:  The FIRST THINGS THAT CAME TO MIND 7/9/2008

She got to do a lot while she was there, but had to budget some things out.  A good life lesson.

This speaks for itself. 

I hope you enjoyed this.  I hope you find beauty in your life the way she did in hers.