Getting Back Up

I think my posts paint an unrealistic picture of what it is like to be a grieving mother.  That is because I generally only post when I am up and I have something positive to say.  Truly that is more and more often as time goes on, but the downs are every bit as bad as they were two years ago. 

This will be our third holiday season without Michaela.  The first year was hard.  The second year was hard.  I'm pretty certain the third year will be hard too.  The only positive is that they were hard in different ways and I'm sure this year will be no exception.  Or maybe that isn't a positive at all....since it is very hard to prepare for the unknown. 

Last weekend I started some holiday shopping.  I used to love holiday shopping.  I loved buying things for Michaela, because she loved the things I bought for her.  She loved getting (and giving) gifts and wasn't shy at all about her gratitude and appreciation.  Her enthusiasm bubbled out of her control.  Naturally as I am walking through stores my mind goes back over and over to 'oh, Michaela would like that, wish I could buy that for Michaela.'  I wonder what I would be buying her this year?  She would have graduated from UCF in the summer, so would be in the process of setting up a home somewhere. 

By Sunday afternoon, I was very blue.  I can't say for sure where the blues came from:  the shopping?  hormones? the upcoming holidays? the excited blessing of Heather's baby coming (knowing that Michaela never had that chance)? her friend's weddings/jobs/graduations?  I am happy for them, truly.  But each is also a tiny pin prick of what should have been, just a little sting of a reminder.  That day the hole in my heart felt tangible; like I could put my fist right through my chest.

This time the blues knocked me down.  I stayed home from work on Monday and didn't do anything.  People recommend that 'mental health days' be something fun to bring you up, but they don't understand.  If I had the strength to do something fun, I just would have gone to work.  These down days are like a bunch of elephants sitting on me, making it impossible for me to move or even breath.  I don't want to see anyone, speak to anyone, or do anything at all.  I just want to sleep or stare mindlessly into space or at a computer screen.  Even TV is too much input for me to handle. 

But I know I must fight those feelings.  I have to be stronger than the grief elephants and do what needs to be done.  I may be able to give myself a little slack to work slower or a shorter day or on an easier project, but to allow myself to succumb to doing nothing does not help me.  It leaves me feeling worse than I did at the beginning of the day. 

Tuesday I got up and pushed through the air that felt like moving through a jello mold and got to work.  I looked at my to-do list, now already a day behind and felt anxiety building in me.  I felt like I didn't have the strength to accomplish anything on that list; the whole list was overwhelming.  So I turned to a blank page and I wrote down one thing to do.  The most urgent thing on the list.  Then I did it.  Then I marked it off and wrote down one more thing.  Then I did it.  Then I marked it off.  By the end of the day I was feeling a sense of accomplishment AND had finished everything on the list.

By taking the steps one by one, I am now feeling much better.  I have a handle on all of the upcoming festivities and visitors we will be having, the uncertainty of how the holidays will be based on when Miley is born, the joy of having my son home for almost a month and my mom and dad down for a short visit after Christmas.  Brandon coming home from college.  Lots of short visits from Misti and the grandkids.  All of those things were overwhelming to me when I was down, but now I am excited and looking for a unique holiday season that will be nothing like any we have had before. 

God Bless and remember, the only option when you are down is to get back up.  Find your ladder.