Where did my rainbows go?

I have written in past blogs about the number of brilliant rainbows I have seen sine Michaela died, the fantastic weather I have experienced, and my incredible good health. But now I am am lost and confused. I haven't seen a real rainbow in months, we had horrible weather while my family visited for Christmas, got rained on during a boat outing, and then I got the flu. All normal things that happen to normal people, but it makes me feel like I have been forgotten. Left behind.

An unsolicited medium, right after Mich died said she would be my guide, with me for 12 years. I was skeptical, but still held on to that number. Now I feel without her completely. It has been so long since I have felt her with me. I had dreams a few days ago, but they did not feel like she was with me, they just felt like dreams. I still appreciate them, they happen so seldom.

I was thinking of this yesterday while I was driving home from work. I was thinking that I still need these little signs...these tiny indications of hope. That if she thought I was ok and didn't need her any more, she was wrong. That I was sorry if I hadn't talked to her enough lately.

It was rainy of course. Why else would I be thinking of rainbows? And just as I pulled into my neighborhood a rainbow appeared. Just a thin, partial rainbow that lasted only a minute or two. It made me happy and sad. It made me feel like she is still there but leaving me. Like she loves me, but has to go. I felt a message there and I didn't like what I felt.

I'm not ready to say goodbye. It isn't fair. It simply isn't fair. I can't have what other mothers take for granted...a wedding, grandchildren, care in my elder years...but why should I lose my rainbows too?