Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My!

Parenting.  What an incredibly difficult thing!  The sheer amount of responsibility is overwhelming when you think about it.  Would you apply for this job?

Mother Needed:  Must be available 24/7 and commit to this job for the rest of your life.  There is no way to sever this contract legally or otherwise.  Must take complete responsibility of project from inception to completion.  Must provide own transportation, food, shelter, and utilities and also provide same for Employer.  Employer will be completely dependent on you for the first several stages of the project.  You are responsible for keeping the employer alive and safe.  You are also responsible for teaching the employer basic life skills such as walking, talking and feeding themselves.  Following basic skills add such things as reading, math, history and social skills.  Eventually add advanced skills such as driving a car and balancing a checkbook.  Additionally you must instill values into the Employer to include honesty, integrity, and compassion.  Employer will not always be cooperative.  Costs associated with this position tend to increase with time; it is recommended that you have a second job or more.  You will be held responsible for the mistakes Employer makes for a minimum of 18 years, possibly longer.  There are no sick days or vacation; however, if Employer is sick you must provide adequate medical care.  There is no pay for this position.  There is no experience or education required.

Yet so many people do it!  Ready or not.  Able or not.  Most of us figure it out through trial and error.  Most of us do not become child abusers or deadbeats or do really much at all that messes up a child for life in any major way.  We are very good at protecting our children.  Sometimes I think we are too good at it.  I often look at my children and contemplate the concepts of Nature Vs. Nurture.   But I do know, for a fact, that for many years, the formative years, the parent is the only source of information that is treated as reliable; so parents, please be careful.  Take fear for example.  Just because something scared you doesn't mean it will necessarily scare your child...unless you tell them that it is scary. 

Example 1:  My son is terrified of roller coasters (but not heights and he has skydived).  His dad is also terrified of roller coasters (and heights in general).  I don't know whether his dad's fear affected his own.  I don't know if his dad or I told stories about his fear of roller coasters.  Most likely we did.  I don't know if this kind of fear is genetic.  What I do know is that roller coasters are quite safe in general and if I had an opportunity to start over, I would make a point of never mentioning to him that his dad was afraid of them. 


Example 2:  I was sitting down to watch a movie with my grand kids.  The oldest (age 6) said to me, "We're going to be scared by this movie."  I said, "Oh?  What makes you think so?"  She said, "My mom told me that she and my dad were scared by it when they were little."  The kids loved the movie and were not scared, but it is an example of just how seriously our kids take our own fears. 

Example 3:  The real inspiration for this blog is a coworker.  I don't think she'll mind, since it has become quite the ongoing conversation for us (to my eternal hilarity).  This woman is a college educated professional, but she has a long list of fears and phobias that I just love to make fun of.  She grew up in a sheltered environment in a home where mom was the final say on things and her mom was full of folk wisdom that she had heard (and believed) from her own mom and readily passed on to her daughter.  Some of the things I've heard from her recently include pregnant people attract sharks, sex with old people causes worms (which you get rid of by drinking a beer), and you can't go outside for 6 weeks after having a baby.  All just words of wisdom passed on by a loving mother doing her best to keep her baby safe. 

There are a million mistakes parents make.  I know I made more than my share.  Kids are built to survive regardless of how inept we are, but they do learn from us.  From what we say and what we do and how we treat people.  And they might also learn from what we fear.  So do your kid a favor if you can, let them develop their own crazy little phobias, don't pass on yours.