Wow. Five years. Things change so much in five years. But yet they don't. Eventually this world will be unrecognizable to you, but for now, we are all still using Facebook, laptops are still viable, smartphones haven't evolved much and Del's Freeze is still standing. The world is much like it was when you left. I have an app that brings up "this day in your life" 1-5 years ago. I like it, but I worry. The days in my life 5 years ago are going to go from fantastic to horrific very soon. I'm ready, I think. But I'm not. I'll be at the beach on Sunday. I'll be watching for you. I understand that you think I don't need you so much any more...maybe that is true. Maybe it isn't. I'm grateful for all you could give when I needed the rainbows and signs. I miss them though, I'm not going to lie. I still watch for them and I'm disappointed when they don't happen.
Anyway, I was rereading what I wrote at two years. Every word of that is still true. It still is an instant for me when I think I think of those things. Every memory of that day and that time is still crystal in my mind. But overall I'm doing better. I guess that is to be expected. I thought I might write today about the difference between 2 years and 5 years for me. First, obviously, I don't write as much. It is impossible to write "I'm sad" every day for 5 years. There are people who do it...real bloggers who make a life out of it. That's not me. You know that. So the last time I wrote was around New Years. I reread all that, so as not to repeat myself. No worries there, that isn't what this is about.
Truth be told, I don't hurt as much as I used to. Wow, that sounds harsh to say. I think of you every day. I miss you every day. I miss what should have been every day. But I don't live in pain every minute of every day any longer. I hope you are glad about that. I think mostly it is because a lot of the things that made me think of you are no longer here...Bear is with you, we moved, the music you loved seldom plays any more, new music that you never heard is now the norm. I have numbed to the songs that make me cry...usually I can tough it out. The anger is less now, but still present, I'm not going to lie. I still get angry more than I get sad.
Before you died, I never had a true tragedy in my life. I had no idea what that even meant. I would love to say that I am now a perfect person, but of course that isn't true. The best I can say is that now I see other people's tragedies...perhaps I am getting older and they are happening more often, but I think it is more likely, that before I wasn't the type of person that people would share their problems with. I hope I am doing better and helping people. I hope someday to do much better...someday I would like to make helping people a true priority. For now I try to help my friends and those I see in immediate need, but the world needs more than that.
So, five years. Where am I? Well, this is the first summer that I haven't slowed to part time for this part of the year, so that is progress. We do have company coming over the 4th of July and that scares me. Please send tolerance. My box of Michaela, that I carry with me in my thoughts, never leaves my side, but I don't have to pull it out and examine it quite so often. My rainbows have gone and that hurts. I still watch the babies for signs that they might 'know' you. I love that Ava drew an almost exact replica of your oil painting and that one day Miley got up and kissed it for no good reason. I no longer try to assign meaning to such little things, but that doesn't stop me from enjoying them.
I have books on grief sitting in the other room. Books that I intend to read...but for now I'd rather lose myself in a novel in the few spare minutes I have. I know grief now, I'm not sure someone else telling me what to do is still helpful. Even my counselor, who I quit seeing years ago, told me "I'm obviously the Capt of my own ship" and pushed me out of the nest. So I accept that sometimes I just want to curl up in the nest and be alone with you and myself and my anger. It doesn't happen so often and that is good.
I no longer have to sit with my back to the wall and have a quick exit strategy. I seldom have to close my office door to be left alone. I don't stalk your friends any longer to see where you might be today, slowly I am unfriending them as their lives move on and their posts no longer are relevant to me. I haven't missed a day of work because my eyes were too swollen from a crying jag yet this year (that I remember). I still don't do crowds well, though, not like I used to be able to work a room. I still prefer small groups to big ones and close friends to new friends. I still gravitate towards those who I already know and love and make little effort to open to new people. I still don't have patience for those who want to make drama where drama is silly. And occasionally I still lose my temper or control of my thoughts (mouth) and have to apologize later.
Most noticeably, I don't expect it to be you when the phone rings. I don't look for your comments on Facebook. I don't worry where you are late at night. I don't constantly think that I need to remember to tell you something interesting. I don't wonder how you are feeling or what you are thinking about current events. I don't feel the need to tell you about my day, my new challenges, or explain why I haven't done what I said I would do. I quit thinking about what you would like to eat when I am grocery shopping and what you would like when I happen to see things that you would like (ok, that one might be a lie). I quit judging my decisions with any thought as to what Michaela would think about it (another lie). In fact, I'm quite fine and don't miss you at all....(the eternal lie).
So that, is the difference for me between 2 years and 5. I wish I knew how it is for you. I will write again soon. Just a newsy letter to tell you what is going on down here. I know you are busy keeping up with everyone, so I can help you out, lol. Fly with those wings baby girl, fly like the wind. But stop by and see me once in awhile. I miss you.
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