Several times lately I have heard the term stepmother or stepfather used in the negative, as in "there are no 'steps' in our house" or "it really bothers me when someone identifies themselves as a 'step' parent" or "why does a step parent always have to point out that the child isn't theirs"? I am a step mother. I am also a mother. I love all of my children...my step children and my natural children and the 'step' daughter who was old enough to be getting married and having her own children when I married her father that we have decided I can be her kids grama and her friend because otherwise would have been just silly.
I am not ashamed to identify myself as a step mother. I will admit there have been times when some nameless bureaucrat has asked me if I am the mother and I said yes (even once in the case of the eldest). It is 1. easier and 2. none of their business. But the rest of the time I am happy to explain my complex family if someone really has the time to figure it all out.
There are times when it is absolutely appropriate for a step parent to use the parent moniker. If the child is very young, maybe. If the other natural parent is not present, maybe. If all of the parents are in agreement that is how it will be done, maybe. If the child wants you to, probably. Every situation is absolutely unique. I am only addressing those who have made me feel like I should be ashamed to acknowledge my status as a step mother or that I should somehow be something other.
When a parent marries another parent and the children are not adults, there is always going to be some family blending issues. I can't imagine a situation where there is not, but I suppose it happens. For the step parent, there are so many issues that are out of your control that are going to effect your relationship with the children: How old they are, how recent the split was, how accepting the other parent is of you, the parenting style of your new spouse, the parenting style of their other parent, what happens when they are not in your home, and of course, money. All of those issues can work for you or against you.
Trying to be the parent, instead of the step parent, when the natural parent is still involved is a bad idea in most cases, I think, even if the child lives with you. In fact, the more things that work against you, the harder it is. You have to accept that you will always be the least important 'parent'. Not that you won't do as much as the 'real' parents, you will do that and more. You will try harder, listen more, get more frustrated, and get your feelings hurt the most. You will be ignored, tested, and pushed to your limits. You will be excluded and then asked to be inclusive, almost in the next breath. You will be grateful for the little things and understanding of the big ones. You will share your spouse with the parent of his/her child(ren), forever, because that is just the way it is and if you don't like it don't sign up.
I am a step mother, I love my family, and I am see nothing wrong with that.
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